I'm used to being called a goody-goody. It's usually because I won't go along with some scheme involving complete and reckless drunken-ness. Though, in my past, I have been known to over indulge in that area too. I'm often described as uptight, no fun, an old woman, a party pooper, etc etc. You get the idea.

I just don't see what's so wrong with doing what is RIGHT. I can't handle the pummeling of my conscious. Since becoming a christian, this has been heightened in my personality even more. Though, I often keep my opinions to myself, because people are usually offended (highly) when you question their actions, words, or attitudes, Even if it is inappropriate or destructive. Especially if they don't believe in God in the first place. Or people choose to stop talking to me and instead just talk ABOUT me.

But what about a brother or sister in Christ? One who openly admits to "following" the Lord. What then? Well you'd think it'd be easier but it's not. Trust me the human reaction of defensiveness is still there, christian or not. I don't believe in saying hurtful things "in christian love", or spilling someone else's guts as a "prayer request". So it weighs on my mind and I ponder whether or not I should confront them.

Now some may say, it isn't your life Tina butt out, or it's not hurting you so why bother.
But aren't we all of the family? The Body of Christ?

"Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."-Hebrews 3:12

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather, expose them". -Ephesians 5:11

"So watch yourselves, if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him." -Luke 17:2-4

Yeah easier said than done....even to a fellow brother or sister. But I am commanded by Christ, to reach out ..snatch them from the fire-Jude 23. For He also says, "Whatever you did not do for the least of these, you did not do for me"-Matt 25:45.

So it looks like I must humble myself once again. Pray earnestly for the right words, wait for God's timing, and their open hearts.

Ahhhh

Seeing as I am continually conplaining about not being content. I just thought I'd share the fact that I AM today!!

Worked hard outside doing things I have been putting off for quite a while. I mean, how fun is shoveling out poop? But alas, it still needs to be done, and I finally did it.

I couldn't see anything in my garden for the weeds. Wasn't even aware that I had green beans growing! But now, the weeds are pulled and the rows are covered in straw to try and keep it in better shape for the future.

My hubby called and not only offered to pick up stuff at the grocery store on his way home, he also was kind enough to pick up offerings for supper so I didn't have to cook. What a sweetheart.

So I am physically drained, but on quite an emotional high. Just thought I'd pass on the good news for a change!

The Lord fills my cup til it's overflowing. Thank you Jesus!

Ramblings

So it's been hot as Hades here. Probably there too.

My computer is running very slow. May be the heat. Or that Facebook, which HAS to be from the devil. Heard a girl call it Crackbook. That fits.

Terrible sinus issues. Cold? Allergies? Air conditioner?

Been busy filling up milk jugs with water and freezing them. I put them in the rabbit pens to help keep them cool.

Shoveled out one of the chicken coops. Ok, Joe did. God awful. Most disgusting thing I have ever smelled. Honestly, took my breath away and gagged me.

Kyle jumped off the high dive at swimming lessons today. Wow. I am too scared and he's only 7. Awfully proud of him.

Having Kyle's room redone. Drywall dust everywhere. Power tools everywhere.

Reading 'The Power of a Praying Wife'. Could be life changing. Highly recommend it.

Sigh....getting sleepy. Thanks for catching up with me!

As we get older (I am beginning my middle age years ugh) we often reflect on our past. I often ponder the things I have done and wish I hadn't. Today I want to look back and list things I didn't do and wish I did. Here's a few of mine.

I wish...

1. I would have been a girl scout.
I was always so jealous of the girl scouts in elementary school. Not only were they so popular at cookie sale time, but they looked so adorable when they got to wear their uniforms and sashes all day in class. Besides learning how to crochet a potholder, I would have learned how to properly TeePee a house. Now that I'm older it would be nice to have an "in" with those delicious Do-Si-Dos".

2. I would have gone to camp.
I never sat around the fire and sang "Kumbuya". It's kinda like going to college..for a week...at age 12. You learn new things, you stay up late. You meet new people. You get bug bites in unmentionable places. You form friendships that endure (at least through Jr High) and memories that last forever.

3. I would have kept playing the piano.
Never learned to read music, but somehow managed to play pretty well. Amazing since I am not very good at memorizing, but I did memorize how to play certain songs. I didn't mind practicing so much, but the recitals. Totally different story. Why do music teachers put children through that? Completely tragic really. Life scarring. I was so terrified from being up in front of a crowd that not only did I play "Ragtime" so fast, it sounded like the Chipmunks were playing it, I never touched the piano again. Now that I'm older I long to play for simple enjoyment and my memory is too far gone.

4. I could have been a cheerleader.
My parents thought cheer leading was a big waste of time. Only dumb girls did it. I know that it isn't true, because most of them went on to college and pretty successful adult lives. Which is more than I can say for myself. But mostly I wish I would have been a cheerleader because of the camaraderie that the squad had. Plus it was such a workout, maybe I would have learned appreciation for the slim and slender body I had back then, and worked harder to keep it. Now if I try a cartwheel , I pull a thigh muscle and can't walk for a week.

5. I would have gone to college.
Now obviously the future adult success factor plays a big part of this wish. But also, I would have enjoyed the whole experience. Living away from home, learning (yes I really do love to learn) meeting new and different people. OK, I have been curious as to how exactly a beer bong works, but I promise, it's not the main reason. Either are the super cute older intellectual professors.....

Now I suppose I could go on and on choosing even more minute choices..wishes..whatever. But no need. I am who I am because of the things I did AND didn't do. The cool thing is, though I can't prevent my children from making the same mistakes I have, I can give them opportunities that I didn't have. Even if it is building a toolbox in Boy Scouts, or holding hands with a girl for the first time after campfire songs, or finding out what it's like to live in a dorm (no beer bongs allowed).

Miss any opportunities in your past?

Father's Day

• My father taught me how to play catch and not to be afraid of the ball.
• My father taught me how to bait a hook.
• My father taught me that no matter what men come in or out of my life, none will ever take his place in my heart.
• My father taught me that even though your team may never go to the championship, you can still love the game, and there is always hope for next year.
• My father taught me that little boys really do always love their mommies..even when they are all grown up.
• My father taught me that a tease, with a smile and a wink is all in fun.
• My father taught me that beer and ice cream are NOT a good mix.
• My father taught me that you are never too old to have dreams.
• My father taught me that no matter the harsh words that have been spilled, you still cry when a parent is lost.
• My father taught me that BBQ sauce just doesn't taste right without beer.
• My father taught me that his lap is the safest place to curl up.
• My father taught me always to have access to the window button on a car trip.
• My father taught me that there is nothing like a loyal friend.
• My father taught me that I will always be his little girl.

Happy Father's Day to all the father's out there. I thank my Heavenly Father for his love, mercy and providing hand.

What has your father taught you?

Dirt

Dirt...can be ....dirty.

As if that isn't enough like Rob Bell in his NOOMA series..

Dirt can be painful, stuck in little cracks and crevices. It can be huge chunks of mud, or a fine mist of silt scattered everywhere. It can be old dirt or new dirt. Whatever kind of dirt it is, it's good when it's gone!

Before you give up on me and think I've fallen off my rocker, I can explain.

I am working in a new ministry at my church called Celebrate Recovery. Yes a recovery group.

It's not your typical, "Hi my name is Rocky and I am an alcoholic" recovery.

It encompasses all of life's hurts, hangups and habits and is based on the 8 Beatitudes Jesus addressed on the Sermon on the Mount. Including, but not exclusively for Alcohol.

For the last 2 months the 5 other leaders and myself have actually been going through the program ourselves. We each are living in (semi) victory over one thing or another. We are learning how to deal with OUR past hurts and our current struggles, so we can be prepared to lead others through when the program begins in August.

The Principle (beatitude) we are at right now is the purpose of this post. We are taking an exhaustive Personal Inventory. Looking back as far as we can remember and listing who has hurt us, the specific ways they hurt our lives. As painful as that can be at times, it is no where near the next step in the process.

Listing who WE have hurt and how. OUCH. DIRT. LOTS OF IT.

How humbling it is to reach way back, into every corner of my mind, dragging out all the dirt. Facing, often for the first time truthfully, the pain we have caused others, and often ourselves, by our decisions and actions. It sucks, having to admit who you are jealous of. Who you are holding a grudge against, or would like to seek revenge on. We may all be Christians but we are humans. Fallen ones for sure.

Some people like to accuse Christians of acting "perfect"," hypocritical", or "holier than thou", which some may be..like I said, the church is full of nothing but fallen human beings, we're all sinners. But this group (and honestly most of my church family) has dirt..LOTS of dirty, sticky garbage. We have each done some things that would make criminal blush.

The difference is, we are opening up about it, cleaning house so to speak. God is taking each of us room by room in our hearts and minds and cleaning it out from top to bottom.

And just like anytime you do that thorough of a cleaning, you find dirt.

Junk.

And it's all on the front lawn for everyone to see.

BUT Jesus is standing right there beside us. Arm around our shoulder. Telling us, " OK, it's out on the curb, I'll take it away, turn around. Leave it."

So I am dirty, dusty, sweaty and at times, ashamed. But this house cleaning partner of mine, is just as dirty. He has MY dirt all over him, and He's grinning from ear to ear, running back into the house and saying, "All right! Come on! We've got 42 more rooms to go through!"

Ugh, I hope I can keep up. I've never seen someone like to clean so much......

(for more information about Celebrate Recovery please visit http://www.celebraterecovery.com/)

Ok totally random

I am not really a sports fan. I don't follow it much...OK at all. But I saw an article on Yahoo News (is this the same as getting your news form The Enquirer? Not sure..but that's another topic) about a 16 year old boy who is, I guess, a phenomenal ball player, and is quitting high school to play pro ball.

My first thought is where are this kid's parents? But obviously, they are on the sidelines salivating at the prospect of their son making history...or millions of dollars. You be the judge.

Now I am not going to debate the fact whether this is the right decision or not. I just want to think about...'Back to the Future' style, what we were like at 16. Deep breath... Ready? Cue the Delorian and the bolt of lightning.....

I for one am driving to Osco in my 1982 Chevy Cavalier with a stuck thermostat making the temperature in the driver's seat about 150 degrees.

I am angry at the fact that I can no longer buy packaged butane for my clicker.

But I am glad that Aqua Net is still available to complete my "Wall of Bangs".

I grab some electric blue eye shadow to totally draw attention to my hot pink mascara.

I tap my white canvas tennis shoe which of course leads you eye to my fabulously pegged acid washed jeans.

Whoa...did you see that dude wearing the Z Cavariccis?

His mullet is fine (though I am not sure we called it that then...but you are getting the visual aren't you?) and I dig his earring. Wait...was that his right or left ear?

I watch him as he hops into his bitchin Camero (that ones in honor of you Joe)

Off to Taco Bell I go where after buying lunch with a $10 bill I still have $5 bucks to put in my gas tank. That should be enough to let me cruise the Navy Base all day PLUS buy a pack of smokes.

I eject the 2 Live Crew from the tape deck and slam in Guns N Roses...Welcome to the jungle....

Maybe I can go see Def Leppard sometime. That would be totally rad.

My backseat is littered with old fast food wrappers, and notes from my BFFs written during AP English and my very worn copy of Judy Blume's 'Forever' that is so the true life guidebook to sex, and relationships.

The fact is, I should probably weigh about 600 pounds due to the enormous quantity of french fries and chocolate frosty that I eat everyday for lunch, courtesy of the school cafeteria.

I make plans to sneak out and roll my car quietly down the hill, to go hang out with my friends, in a hotel, all night, drinking untold amounts of Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill" and Mad Dog 20/20. ("Friends being a relative word-I met them about 2 hours ago and they all happen to be much older and very much the opposite sex)

The next day I let the stoners copy my homework in car maintenance. Wait..shouldn't THEY know more than me about this topic?

Still need to save my money to go get my Prom dress from DEB, which my awful, mean, worst parents in the universe, refuse to buy. I really think this guy is "the one" you know what I mean??

OK I can't stand it anymore. It's awful, and that is more reliving my past than I ever cared to do, and the rest is a blur (probably a good thing). BUT my point is, see our mindset at 16? Are we truly mature enough to make life altering decisions like quitting school to play the national pastime? Now this boy's father seems to think that baseball will help him prepare for life. I guess that too is debatable. Some seem to think jump on it when you are on top and healthy. I can't imagine God opening a door, that if it truly is the best thing for his life, that will only be open for a sliver of time, and then it will be pulled away. Maybe it's just me. Maybe not all 16 year olds are as naive and selfish as I was.

For this young man's sake, I surely hope not.

Provision

Almost a year and 5 months ago my life was in shambles.
I was a christian but....

My checkbook was empty.
My marriage was over.
The man I loved was on the brink of self-destruction and nothing could pull him from the edge.
I was angry.
I was hurt.
My children were upset and confused.
I was embarrassed.
I could not see past the end of the day.
I had no hope.
I was broken.

He heard the cries of my heart. His tears fell while he wiped away mine. He felt my pain. He felt my anger. He understood my insecurity. His hand was working in my life, though I didn't even know it. He was much more patient than I.

Since then, I have still had thoughts of despair. Thoughts that I was doomed. Thoughts that nothing would change. Thoughts of destitution and brokenness. Thoughts of fury and rage. Thoughts that NOTHING I could do would make anything better. The last part was true.
I could do nothing to change my circumstances. Except to get on my knees and beg. And I did.

Jobs have been offered when none were available. Doors have been opened where I once there were deadbolts and chains. Money has appeared where there were negative bank balances. Friends have been made when I thought I had left them all behind. Love is blossoming where there was once hatred and injustice. Light is shining where once there was only darkness.

Some on the outskirts of my life may think it's craziness. They may think I believe in the imaginary. They may see my situation and not see any hope. They look at my bank account and not see anything miraculous. But I do. I see the continual provision. The continual love. The hand of blessing. I FEEL His Spirit. To the outside I may look poor, unappreciated, foolish, and inadequate. But my cup is overflowing. He will not leave my side. He will not give up on me. He will not be defeated. I will be reunited with those I love. I will have peace. I will have joy. I will have hope. I will be picked up. I will be comforted. And I will be delivered.

I am honored to fall to my knees cry out in joy AND in pain. I bow down to worship a King. A Prince of Peace. A Redeemer. A Daddy. A Friend. A Good Shepherd. A Rock. A Lamb. A Savior. He listens, He cares, and He provides.

Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, about of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Happenings

Not too much is happening around old Astoria.

Rain has been coming daily. The coolness of early spring causes me to shut windows at night, though it is well into June.

Kyle is walking around with saucer sized eyes from staring at video games for far longer than I care to admit.

Joe is pulling 13 hour days with the aches and pains that come along with it.

I...well I have been quiet. My mind has been empty it seems. Or at least void of anything fruitful, imaginative or inspiring.

So easily our lives go on auto-pilot. In and out the days come and go without anything marking them memorable.

It actually is refreshing to be alone in my thoughts. Quiet, introspective. I am not always happy with the thoughts I have of myself. But I am taking those thoughts one at a time and looking at them through a magnifying glass, to see their purpose and use. I hope to weed out more meaningless and pointless things that come through my mind. One at a time.

Maybe that in itself helps make a day memorable. Taking captive thoughts that tear down, and transforming them into ones that build up or tossing them out completely. It's tedious work, but well worth it.

Similar to housework. Cleaning the ceiling fan, dusting the end tables, taking out the trash. Not big noticeable improvements, but ones that need to be done, nonetheless. And when it is done..well what a clean house we will have! Until the next window needs to washed..or the next thought enters my mind.

Contentment

Why is it I have such a hard time being content?
Why do I always wish things were "better"?
Why do I wish I was different?

Why can't I just be content with who I am in Christ? Where He has me, and the plans he has for me?

Why am I continually affected by my circumstances? I am a child of God. I am in the palm of His hand and NO ONE can ever pluck me out of it. He says so. So..why can't I just be happy with that?

I just found some old friends on Facebook. One wants to come see me. Why do I start freaking out and back pedaling, worried about what she will think of where I live?

My checkbook is empty. Zero, Nada. Why can't I be thankful that I have a fridge full of food, and a man and boy who loves me in the other room?

This wanting to change myself and not being happy with myself is something I want to change. Change change change. I hate change. Though in this case it would be a good thing. I just wanna be me. Be happy. Laugh again. Be content.

Been a while

Yes I know, I haven't written in a few days. Brain has had nothing floating around in it apparently.
But now....Facebook. Need I say more? Wow.
As someone said to me, it's "Shock and Awe" seeing people I have only seen once in 18 years. And that was at our 10 year reunion. Amazing. As I'm scanning pictures and profiles of old school mates, making comments like, "They really DID get married!" or "Oh my gosh, he looks so different". I feel kinda old, alot of my friends that I graduated with have younger children. They took a different route. Probably went to college or something fun like that.
It's odd though. I am a little nervous getting in touch with some folks. I am not the same person I was age 14-18. Some for the worse, but mostly for the better. My life was a walking time bomb. I was miserable at home. 16 wanting to be 24. Obsessed with men (boys really).
I'd like to think I've matured some. So when you hang with people during that time of your life-and then lose touch. They think of you...like you were back then. They haven't seen what you've been through. Or that you've changed.
But I guess all of us have. (At least I hope so). So as always, I am going to just be me. And let the chips fall where they may. Maybe, I'll even make some new friends in the process.

PS Denise you still have yet to accept me as a friend. What's up with that?? xoxo

My To Do list

I am a list maker.

I don't always get everything done. I don't always stick to it at the grocery store.

Then there is the mental list of things I'd like to do someday. Things I want to do again. Things.

But I have been thinking, do any of the things on my list mean anything?

I mean sure going back to Mexico and laying on the beach will do a lot to help me escape for a while. But that's short lived satisfaction. It would just be a few weeks after being home, that I would feel like I needed another vacation.

Another item on my list is pulling up the carpet in the parlor. It would make my house look a little less like a 1970's Vegas Supper Club. (Yes, it's THAT bad)

I am scanning my list and it is comprised of all very worthwhile things. I don't think any of them are foolish or a waste of time. I am curious why there aren't many things on it helping others. Well OK, there are a few. But why are those the things I keep putting off?

My life is filled with should've , could've, would'ves.....

I should've gone to see my Grandpa when I was in town with his first Great granddaughter. I didn't. He died 4 days later.

I could've gone to college if I was more focused on my future and less on the next guy I was gonna date.

I would've been married 18 years if I'd only been more worried about making it work than looking for a way out.

I don't want to live like that anymore.

I want to do things that make a difference. Now I'm not saying they have to be HUGE things. I don't think it has to be a Missions Trip to the middle of Ghana. Though, someday that would be awesome. I want to do little things. Like go see Martha who is lonely sitting in the nursing home with no family. Like bringing an extra loaf of bread to Hubert when I make it. Like taking some flowers over to the home bound neighbor across the street. Like lifting up a friend when she is down. Like forgiving and loving those in my family who have hurt me. Like drying my child's tears when their heart gets stomped on.

I think I need to work on this more. I guess we all could, then maybe our world would be just a little bit better. There will still be pain and sickness, and poverty. That's the broken life we live in until Jesus comes back. BUT there would be love. More of it. Spreading around like the swine flu. Filling in some of the gaps. How awesome would that be? I think each one of us, whether you are a christian or not could add just one more thing to their to-do list. Imagine what a small gesture could mean to the right person?

Here's a song that's on repeat for me right now. Can't get enough of it, -listen to it...just once.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtIIFJIxdUw

Tomorrow?

What would you do if you lost your spouse? Are you prepared for that ever happening? Is anyone EVER really prepared?

Folks "our age" don't often think about that kind of stuff. That is unless your spouse is sick.
OK, that's not completely accurate. Let me re-phrase...Unless your spouse doesn't take care of himself. OK that's better.

See my husband is diabetic. Which normally..not that huge of a deal. Lots of people have diabetes and live long, prosperous and fulfilling lives. BUT my husband takes horrible care of himself. His blood sugars run 4-5 times what they should be, and then he pops another starburst.

Last week he saw me crying and praying for the Lord not to take him from me yet. Maybe it made a dent. The good news is we went to the Dr today. We have him back on his medications (that he hasn't taken since Jan of '08) and the Dr was super cool. OK I thought he was because he saw my concern and saw what a "fun" patient Joe is.

The other thing that makes me concerned is, he keeps thinking that he has time to "live for the Lord". He really wants to , but like his health, he keeps putting it off, thinking he's got time. What if he doesn't? None of us know our number of days. I could collapse of an aneurysm right after typing this sentence. I could get a cancer diagnosis. I could fall at the stove cooking supper of a sudden heart attack. Any of us could. So why do we put off what we could do today? Especially if today is our last? Looking eternity square in the face.

A lot of people think I am off my rocker because of my faith. Some even harass me, and verbally abuse my beliefs. But that's OK. Because #1 I happen to believe what the Bible says. and #2 even if I am wrong, I took a chance, lived my life trying to love, forgiving, and helping others. I don't do it perfectly, and actually totally botch it sometimes. BUT If I am right...well then there is a Heaven, a loving forgiving and understanding Father, and I am going to be welcomed. Even with all my mistakes, weaknesses, and character flaws. I long for the day to hear, "Welcome home. Well done my good and faithful servant. Let me wipe your tears. Come...see all who have been waiting for you."

So now modern medicine can help my husband function better. I will keep praying for him and the others I truly love to REALLY start living today. Before I lose them...forever.