Spice Girls Remix

Soooo tell me whacha want whatcha really really want...

An interesting post you say? Well I have finally gotten off my duff (actually FaceBook) and am going to try and write something for a change. Whether it's interesting or not..well, that just depends on how boring YOUR life is.

What did you wish to be when you were growing up? How about now? I was driving along thinking about this today. All the things I wanted to be different then and now.
I wished I was pretty.
I wished I were smarter.
I wished I was a pioneer girl,
and then I wanted to be Amish.
I wished I had big boobs.
I wished I was Puerto Rican. I was always envious of their dark skin and silky black hair.
I wished I was crafty and artsy.
I wished I was more popular.
I wished I could sing.
I wish I was a good decision maker.
I wish I was better off financially.
I wish I was a better mother and wife.
I wish I didn't stumble so much.
I wish I was thin again.
I wish I tried harder.

I have always wanted to be something else. Something other than I am/was or maybe ever will be. I did get smarter. I'm no Einstein, but I'm not dumb either. I did get big boobs, but I got a larger waistline to go with it. I will never be able to carry a tune. My point being, I can't ever remember wanting to be ME. There has to be some redeeming qualities or talents in here somewhere. I am a creation of The Lord our God after all, and last I checked, he doesn't make junk. But the more I thought about all this, I came to a startling conclusion. All my life I have tried to be something else whether for other people's approval or my own. In doing this, I realized, I don't even know who ME is anymore.

So that was my thoughtful prayer this morning. For God to help me discover who I really am. The real me. The one He created, and to show me what I was meant for. Maybe that will clear up some disillusionment I have with life. Maybe it will make it even more confusing. I am not sure. But I do know that I am hidden in here somewhere under all these layers of wishes.

Blow up and blow it

Yes, I am an angry person. Where does all this anger come from? I don't know yet, but I think God has me on a journey to find out. Maybe not even a quest to see where it comes from, but more of a marathon in getting it under control.

Remember a few months ago, I wrote about having some very angry feelings toward someone in particular? Well...I sat...I stewed...I rehearsed conversations. I did pray about it, but I am not sure hard enough and I certainly didn't wait for an answer from the Lord.

So a few weeks ago, I was at the boiling point and I blew up. I said all of the things that I had on my mind. Truly in the hopes of getting out in the open, clearing the air, and moving forward.

Yeah well, not sure it quite worked out that way. I pretty much spewed radioactive material over the whole mess, and it disintegrated the relationship there on the spot.

One one hand, I felt much better not having all the turmoil inside. But on the other hand, the hurt that I caused the other person was evident immediately on their face. Anger comes from hurt. I felt cheated, deceived, and let down. Did that give me the right to hurt her?

See that's what the enemy tries to get us to do. He twists things so we feel we have the RIGHT to feel better. We have the RIGHT to speak our minds, and that we don't DESERVE to take that from anybody.

When I reacted in the way I did, I let satan win. He caused a wedge, he broke our united front, and he helped me completely ruin my witness of Christ leading my life.

At the time, I felt justified in my feelings, my words and actions. But as the week progressed, the Holy Spirit convicted me. It wouldn't take any excuse I threw at it either. So I did apologize. A sincere one, not just the pat little make up I gave her at the time.

Will we ever repair the damage? Will she ever forgive me? I don't know. God does. And I have given it to Him for now.

I am just thankful that I learned a lesson, though it was the hard way. Just when I think I've got this God thing down, He lets me know..ha ha..not quite. I am on the road to sanctification. It's a journey, a constant process of killing off the old self (and thoughts and actions) and trying to become more like Christ. I wish I didn't fail as often as I do, but I am so thankful that Jesus is much more patient with me and will continue to guide me, and teach me along the way. Hopefully, I won't blow it as often as I move along.

Need the Bat phone

Ever wish you could just pick up the phone and get the answer you need? Like in the old days when you could call Time and Temp? Or the Operator? Well I need a special line. A Bat Phone if you will, to make calls to the Commissioner. God.

There are countless meaningless questions I have, like... explain mosquitos to me.

But sometimes I really want answers to tough questions. Like where He stands on certain things. Or where He would want ME to stand on things.

For example. Let's say your sister is gay. OK. You love your sister, but you know that God's word tells us homosexuality is a sin. You want to support your sister in her "gay rights" to an extent. But to what extent? Where do you draw the line between loving the sinner and hating the sin, and excusing and accepting the sin.

Here's another one. You have a friend that is beginning to walk with the Lord. She's starting to read her Bible, and ask a lot of questions. Truly seeking the truth in her life and looking to you as a spiritual mentor. THEN she tells you she is about to move in with her boyfriend, and hopes their relationship is blessed. Hmmm. Yeah. Living together and not being married, God is not going to pour out blessings. I want her to be happy. I think this guy is great for her. I just think she should wait until they are married. That is if they are truly concerned about God. I wish I had known the Lord before and made different choices. Heck, I wish someone might have tried to steer me in the right direction. (Not that I necessarily would have heeded the advice) So do I talk to her about it?

It comes down to do I care more about what a person thinks or what God thinks. Does God know my heart? (Of course he does) Is he going to understand that I love my sister, even though I grieve for her soul in my heart?

These are a few things that I wish I could call up to Heaven and ask. Please. Just tell me the right way. Ultimately I want to please the Lord. I will have to stand before him one day. But I want to love others that are sinners just like me too. How can we do both? Or can we?

Where has August gone? It's been 2 whole weeks since I last posted. Shame on me.
I have done quite a bit in the last 2 weeks. Been to the cardiologist, where my husband took a stress test. Got good news there so far, no heart issues apparent.
My youngest son has started school, and my older son has gone back home.
Went to a family wedding. It was nice. Haven't been to a wedding in a long time. My husband is 35 years old and it's the first wedding he's ever been to aside from ours...how can that be?
Anyway, last week I started walking. A LOT! It's nice. I guess it was walking my son to school that gave me the bug, but I'm hooked. It's one advantage of living in a very small town I guess. But I have been getting in at least an hour a day which I think is great.
I have organized myself a bit, and created chore lists for Kyle, myself, and a calendar so I can keep track of what is happening around me, and when I need to pay bills. Finding out that's important. Ha Ha.
This need to feel organized and productive...is that my control freak tendencies rearing it's head? Why do I feel the need to be in control all the time?

Been having some great conversations with my son Jacob, about the Lord. He is reading the bible, and asking questions. Couldn't be more proud. Thankfully he has been witness to the Lord giving me..."signs" that He does in fact hear me and when I speak to Him it matters. I think it's awesome to confirm God's reality to him (and it helps me too) Sometimes we just need assurance!

I am currently battling a bladder infection of some sort. Broke down and made a Dr appointment for today. I have been putting it off, but here goes! Hope he doesn't find a bunch of stuff wrong that I need to address. As much as I complain about my husband being a terrible patient, I'm not much better.

Things coming up: House inspection for a mortgage, Joe has surgery on Sep 10th, Celebrate Recovery Ministry opens it's doors to the public on the 17th! I have to go back up north for work near the end of September. Maybe it will be the last for a while (fingers crossed). We really want to throw a party here for our new and old friends for scenic drive (first 2 weekends in October) hoping I can get organized enough to pull it off!

I am going to start journaling (or trying at least) and will hopefully come up with something interesting to write about. It's like I am in elementary school. Seems my brain turned to mush over summer. Thank you to those that check this daily and sorry to disappoint you when I don't write. I will try and do better!

Love to all!!

Alzheimer's, Drugs, or Aliens

I may be suffering from a horrible illness.

Or maybe, I am a pot head. No that can't be.

I must have been abducted by aliens.

That is the only logical explanation for the severe memory loss.

I am going through some old school papers
(my parents have an illness too. It's called keepeverypapersincethekidswereten-itis) and what I have found is amazing to me. It's new and exciting too, because I don't remember half...no... 99% of it.

There are all these D's and F's. I was a good student so why is my name on the paper?

Then there are the hearts and flowers with "Tina loves So and So" Who the heck is that? I don't even recognize the name much less loving this person.

Field Trip slips. To some apparently pretty cool places. Not sure I ever really went there, but the slip says I did.

Did you know I used to be able to write in Spanish pretty well? And I studied Greek Mythology, and I could do Algebra, and I thought Meryl Streep should run for president. Odd.

I wrote many short stories about memorable experiences. Funny. Can't recall any of it.

Then these pink slips about something called After School Detention. What? Never been there. Nor have I ever been in "the secured section of the rotunda making an unauthorized phone call", like that paper states. "

Also found a note that was sent home about a forged phone call excusing me from school. Apparantly I got busted, but don't recall ever setting up that scenario or the bust.

OK, I do remember the 2 suspensions. For smoking and fighting. But other than that, as I read some of this stuff, I don't even know who this person is.

I thought my daughter was making stuff up. Really I thought she had a dream, and then created stories to go along with them, thinking it really happened in her life. Come to find out, some of them did. I have NO recollection of these experiences.

Met up with an old friend on Facebook. She keeps saying..."remember when we..." Nope.

Where have I been for the last 36 years? And what else do I not remember? I am afraid to find out.

So in my morning ritual of Facebook, I come across a post that says, "It's so good to know people who know people. " "I got to do..ABC...yeah me" OK that last part I added. It came from one of those people that have ALWAYS known people who know people. Then I start getting those thoughts. Yes THOSE. Why does SHE always have it so good? Why does SHE always know so and so? I've never been a name dropper. I mean come on with my family heritage? Not like I am a descendant of royalty or anything...


My father is not a famous lawyer, He is The Judge.
My father is not a rock and roll legend, He is The Rock.
My father is not a millionaire, He paves his streets with gold, and has mansions for ALL his children.
My father is not a movie star, He named ALL the stars.
My father is not a heroic fire fighter, He fought the flames of Hell and won!
My father isn't a therapist doling out pills for 90 bucks an hour, He is the Wonderful Counselor.
My father is not a bricklayer, He is the Cornerstone.
My father is not tall, dark and handsome, He is the Truth and the Light.
My father is not a farmer, He is the Good Shepherd.
My father is not a baker, He is the Bread of Life.
My father is not a delivery man, He is The Deliverer.
My father is not a Pastor of some mega-church on TV, He is the High Priest.
My father didn't write me in his will, He wrote my name on His hand.
My Father is the Servant and the Master.
My father is not the president, He is the Prince of Peace.
My Father is the King of Kings. And He is not leaving me his retirement plan when he leaves, He is giving me great treasurebeyond all I can imagine when I come home.

That means I AM A PRINCESS. No longer am I going to think I don't deserve this stuff, because in actuality, I don't deserve a drop of it. But, because my Father IS Love, I get it. I get it all. But the cool thing is, you do too. We can share. So I am gonna drop my Father's name for a change...Do you know Him?

Hi. My name is Tina and I am an...

Is there a gamers anonymous? I need to go to it. I have this tendency to start playing stupid computer games and get addicted. Solitaire...it consumed me once. Bookworm...laid in bed trying to create words in my sleep. Then I found Facebook. Then Farm Town, now FFarklee. It's the lamest, game really. OK not really. It's awesome. But it's dumb. NO it's totally cool. It's a waste of time. Yeah...can't argue with that one.

I am sitting here totally freaking out because my Farkle won't load and I can't play. All I did tonight was count down until I could play again. WHO CARES. Maybe I should pick up my bible. Or pray, or at least go to bed. So I can get up bright and early and see if I can play Farkle.

I need help.

First blog in 2 weeks

Whaaat? Tina is writing a post for her blog. Wow. satan...get the snowblower.

Just back from 2 weeks on the road. Went up north for work. Went fairly well, though was glad to get back home. I just am not "into" the whole corporate thing anymore. Seems like such a huge waste of time. You never get to really see and talk to anyone, it's just "Hi, how are ya" in passing. All and all it was a decent time, and I thank everyone who covered me in prayer while I was gone. It helped for sure. One highlight of my work trip was the evening I went out to dinner with Marjorie and Melissa. What a fun time! Marjorie and I sat IN THE RAIN and got eaten alive my mosquitos, but had a nice talk.

Then I grabbed the kids after Jake's ball game. Boo hoo they lost, but payed well. SOMEONE has to come in second I guess. Made it home in time to sit for about an hour then off to the Fulton County Fair. The boys did the animal scramble. For all you city folks, that's when the officials let a bunch of animals loose in the pen, and the "herd" of children run after them and try to catch them. The boys chased pigs. I was disappointed that they didn't catch one in the moment, but after further thought, I am quite glad!

Then off to Oklahoma City the next morning. Whew what a drive...11 hours. Oklahoma isn't as dry and brown as I had expected. Quite lush and lots of countryside, which is just up my alley!
Had a nice visit with Mom. Went to see the Natural History museum, and spent the day at the zoo. Pretty cool, haven't been to a zoo in years. Prayers regarding the weather were also answered. Not too hot, and though it rained most nights, we didn't have to go to the zoo in raincoats!!!

Got home last night. Who knew I'd miss that sore on my behind (Joe) so much!! It was good to see him and sleep in my own bed. Taking Chelsea to meet my dad. He is taking her to camp this week. Whether she comes back after camp remains to be seen. Things were going well in OK, but her attitude has taken a nose dive since we've been home. It's too bad. I am trying to stay neutral and consistent and that's about all I can do.

Unfortunately while I was gone, no one checked my garden, so I have gargantuan zucchini. Looking for recipes to make sure they don't go to waste. Also have a good picking of green beans to get freezer ready. Can't wait to taste my own home grown veggies. Already have some lessons learned that I will remember for next year. Ahhh..live and learn right?

Well that's the update for now. Still searching for anything blog worthy in this tiny little head of mine. Anyone have a topic? Love to all...

Don't make me pull this car over!!

Imagine taking a cross country trip with a 4 year old.

You: Before we go, you better use the potty.
Kid: I don't hafta go.
7 miles down the road...
Kid: I gotta PEE RIGHT NOW. I CAN'T HOLD IT ANYMORE!

You: Oh look at the pretty fields, try and find the elephant in the clouds, aww did you see the baby cows?
Kid: We're going to fast, I can't see anything in the clouds, baby cows are dumb babies

You: Look! I got you a Happy Meal!
Kid: I hate apple dippers, I wanted french fries...waaaaah

Kid: Are we there yet?

Kid: I'm bored.

Kid: Are we there yet?

Kid: He's touching meeee...
You: There is no one else in the care with you.
Kid: Staaahhhp. Don't look at me.
You: BE QUIET! NO ONE IS BACK THERE! DON'T MAKE ME PULL THIS CAR OVER!!!
Kid: You're mean.



Get the picture?

Sounds like my christian walk... or crawl.

I think God tries to show me things, give me things and invite me to enjoy the trip of life. I am like the whiny kid in the back. He gives me good advice, and I often think I know better or that I can wait. When He pours out a blessing, it's not the one I "wanted" even if it's what is better for me. He has His creation all around me to enjoy and wonder at, and all I wanna do is pout and watch the blurs fly past. He gives me His word to learn, get lost in, and be comforted by, and I always want to do "something else". I don't want to enjoy the entire trip, I want to get to the destination NOW. And I want to blame others all the way there. And when God is trying to teach me something, I think He's mean, or at least isn't listening to me.

Thankfully God is a way better parent than we are. I think he would have left me on the side of the road by now.

For Marjorie

OK I am only naming the post that, because she is jones-ing for an update.

Let's see...

Kyle is leaving for California on Friday for 5 days. Trying not to worry or create images in my mind of fiery balls of airplane plummeting to the earth. Or a swarm of jellyfish taking him captive while he is at the beach.

Driving 'North" next week for work...not looking forward to it as usual. I want to be at home. I don't like being away. Weird...obsessive...whiny.

Picking up my children to bring back with me. Not looking forward to seeing the ex and having any spoken communication. Things are not well between us at the moment and the last phone call ended in a dial tone. Also, Chelsea is not too thrilled to be pulled away from her fun friends, Starbucks and whatever else she spends her time doing. Besides being 15, this is not going to add to the mood.

Driving to Oklahoma to spend a week in 100+ degree weather. Enough said.

Trying to think of fun stuff for my mom, 3 children and I to do. I know this sounds crazy, but I have a notion to bring the American Graffiti Soundtrack and we have a Twist contest in her living room. I want to spend one on one time together, and LAUGH. Haven't had a visit with my mother like that...ever I think, and we are over due. Besides, it will be a chance for my kids to get to know her too.

Hmmm...looking forward to flushing my toilet soon.

Working hard on the rehab of the house. Kyle's room is 99% done (LOL as I think about it, so are the other 3 rooms we did...separate issue). It looks fantastic and we will probably move his bed and "stuff" back in tonight. Joe will be pulling up the carpet in the living room and parlor while I am gone. Bye Bye Disco Supper Club look. (Marjorie can testify that I am NOT exaggerating).

We have been painting barns. OK we meaning Joe....

I should have a minimum crop of approximately 500 watermelons this year. Start putting in your requests now. Otherwise, they will probably just be left on your doorstep in the middle of the night. Who knew those things went wild? I'm new at all this. Note to self: Plant 2 watermelon plants next year TOPS. One Plant does not = One fruit. Ha ha. Just visualize it.

Church picnic is Sunday. I signed up for softball. Why do I let those people guilt me into doing these things? Got an update on this one- we are playing with the 16" squishy ball. So we are all gonna suck. Yea me!

Ummm that oughta do it for now. Something funny and inspirational will hit me... before Christmas I am sure.

I am pretty open about how screwed up I am. Or was....No am is more like it.
Maybe it's years of therapy, but to talk about the mistakes I've made and the damage it's done, is pretty easy for me. One on one especially, but if we keep it in a tight circle (like my CR group), I am still OK. BUT..

We are going to be opening up our Recovery ministry to the public soon. The pastor is going to be preaching about it for about 4 weeks in preparation.During this 4 week sermon series, the leader of our group is asking each of the women to give their testimony. For those of you unfamiliar with church lingo, this means you stand up in front of the congregation and give your life story. Well the shortened version of course. You usually talk about what your life was...and how after receiving Christ you have changed, and what God has taught you.

At first, I said, "No way." But as someone else always tells me, "Tina I know you, you say No, no, no and then you do it anyway." Well, she's right. I have been thinking about it. Still praying on it but I am leaning towards doing it. But I am a little nervous, and unsure what exactly to share. It's not like, it's open mic and I need to pour out all the gory details.

I heard something yesterday that was actually the turning point in my decision. 2 little words help me see how I could do this. I heard , "the 2 best words in the bible are...But God..." Hmmm. I may just have to steal that shamelessly. So I don't have my thoughts in order yet, but be on the look out. I am probably going to share this with you guys first. Just to see...

Happy Monday and ponder your life a while, in the context of But God...you may be surprised at what you find.

It's very hard for me to be good.

No, No, I know you don't believe it! But it's true! It doesn't come naturally.

I don't look at others and automatically see them in the way their Creator does. I see the icky, irritating, obnoxious parts of them, and it drives me nuts.

I at one time probably held the World record on how many swear words could be used in one statement..without even trying!

I was in a discussion with a bunch of women yesterday (which was wonderful in itself, I miss friendship...another topic) and we were talking about how we keep the right perspective in our lives. You know, like how he don't let those obnoxious individuals get us down.

I shared something that helps me. When I first became a christian someone asked me a question. And I was probably doing something awful and obnoxious, but she said to me, "Are you sure that's what you want to be doing when Jesus comes back?"

WHAT???? I've got a long time to get things straight sister, don't you worry!

Well..do I? The Bible says that He will come like a thief in the night, quietly, without warning. I could be sitting here typing to you now and by the next time I hit 'Enter' boom...He's coming. Now don't get me wrong. I can't wait for that day. And I hope it happens in my life time (I think).

But that warning pops into my mind at the strangest times...like when I am driving down the Intersate at 85 mph.

So here's a list of things I don't want to be caught doing by Jesus upon His return:

1. This is the biggest...Having sex.
I know ALL things are permissable in the marriage bed. Yes, I said ALL things (all the husbands are grinning from ear to ear right about now). BUT there are just some things I don't need Jesus seeing. I mean come on!! How embarrasing!! Besides, when the trumpets are blaring announcing His coming, I don't want to miss it as I am tripping trying to put my underwear back on!!

2. Being lazy.
Do I really want to be obsessing over Facebook while the dishes sit in the sink, and the laundry is piled up? If the King were coming to my house for dinner...well, let's just say I've got a lot of things I should be doing to make my house presentable. None of those includes updating my "status" on FB.

3. Throwing a temper tantrum.
No, not like a 3 year old. OK, well maybe it resembles that a bit. But sometimes my husband or children, or people (lol) get me all ticked off, and instead of biting my tongue, counting to ten, saying a prayer, I lash out! I say mean things to "get even" for the hurt they are causing me. So as the doorbell rings, and I am screaming, "You lazy blankety-blank", and then open the door with my best Stepford wife smile, and coo , "Helloooo, how good to see you..." I don't think Jesus will be fooled.

4. Gossiping.
Yes yes. Gossip. I think it is the devil's favorite trick. Honestly. We are so easily lured into it, we hardly even notice. He sets those people in front of us. We think we are speaking out of christian concern for the mess they have made in their lives, or how unholy they are, or how snobby and judgemental they are (judgemental..hmmm). It's easy to think we aren't gossiping, and we cover it up, by saying, "Maybe we should pray for their poor lost souls..." But come on...Who are we kidding here? We are being judgemental and divisional and God does not like THAT AT ALL!

5. Going potty.
Enough said. Who wants to be perched on THAT throne, when the real King comes home?

So, there's a short list. Before I end, I need to remind myself and everyone else, Jesus is in the room when we are doing all those things anyway. (Hopefully, he has respectfully turned to face the wall in the bedroom).

Maybe I need to start thinking about the things I do from that perspective. Not what if He comes back when I am doing "this", but He is seeing me right now...what is He thinking?

I don't fear going to Hell, because I believe in Christ Jesus as my Savior. But when I do get to Heaven, and He calls my name, I don't want to be ashamed.

I want to hear the words, "Well done my good and faithful servant". Not, "Now Tina...about that time you threw the corn on the cob at Joe...."

OK, so just curious about something.

When girls watch movies, especially romantic ones, we identify with the feelings. Sometimes we get unnerved at "our" men for not being like the movie men. (There is a whole argument on why women should not torture themselves with romance movies and novels...but I digress.)

Sometimes we look at our men and sigh..we feel the love that we shared in the movie and we feel that passion and affections that were shared on screen, and we get ideas of our own. (Eyebrows waggling Grouch Marx style)

Men usually groan inwardly and outwardly when coerced into watching a romantic comedy, or drama. I am just wondering though...

Do they ever sit and think about what happened? Do they get emotional at all? I know they pretend to be dull emotionless fish often ( ok, maybe they aren't pretending) but I mean come on. They aren't completely dead inside.

Like when the best friends for 10 years finally realize they are perfect for one another, and thewedding to the wrong guy is broken up at the last minute run into each others arms and get married. Do they get the little lump in their throat?

When Mr Darcy and Miss Bennett run to one another across the field, and claim their love for no other....do they get a little misty eyed?

When Adrianne loses her true love Dr Paul Flanner, and is devastated... Do they shake uncontrollably with sobs?

Ok, I know the initial answer to that one is no, unless we aren't in the room.

I'm just saying. Men aren't heartless and cold (completly at least). They get pumped up in action films, do their heartstings tug at true romance? Do they ever see themselves through the film?

Maybe I am just expecting too much out of men. Just curious...

Another odd prayer

Usually I start praying before I even open my eyes in the morning.
The unfortunate part is I usually doze in and out as I am praying and repeat a lot of things.
I try and start by just saying, "Thank you for another day."
But then I run my mind through my day, and pray about anything that comes to mind.

This morning was another "odd" prayer. Odd because it is different than the usual. Odd because it made me realize something about myself that I guess in some ways I try and avoid thinking about. Odd because...well, now I can't stop thinking about it.

I prayed to laugh more.

I can't remember when it happened. When I stopped laughing that is.
Maybe it was when I stopped making fun of other people out of hatefulness. Maybe, but I think it was before then. I really don't know for sure.

I feel like I have migrated over the years to looking at the cup half empty. To letting the worries of "life" crowd my thinking, and they crowded laughter right out the door.

My husband is one who can really make me laugh. When I let him.

I don't think it even has anything to do with being happy. Because, I am pretty happy in my life right now. It's like I forgot how to let go, and joke, and play, and laugh. It's almost as I am too tired to laugh.

Like, "Oh! I would totally laugh at that right now, if I wasn't so tired."

??? I know!! It's crazy, I can't explain it myself. Again, I am just thinking "out loud" here.

So odd as it may be. I think I am going to keep praying. And praying with confidence that God will answer me, and show me the way. The path to laughter...because this is one thing I don't want to wait until Heaven for. I want it now. So I am ready...to laugh for all of eternity.

I've never prayed for forgiveness because I don't like someone before. But I have been. But I guess I should clarify. I do like her. Sort of.
Maybe I just thought I liked her when I first met her, but now that I know her better...I like her less. Not sure.

This is new for me. Usually, if I don't like someone, I shove off, and avoid them. I never felt bad for not liking them. And I know Jesus doesn't tell us we HAVE to like EVERYONE. I still have to treat her like my sister. But man...it's hard. I want to like her. But every time I try now...nuthin.

I could probably sit her and list off the reasons I am not liking her. And why I don't like other people too. There is really a reason...for most of them anyway. But I'll spare you.

But it got me thinking. I wonder WHY the people that don't like me...don't.

I'm just curious. I'm realistic enough to know that there are people out there, probably that I have contact with often, that don't like me. When they see me, the trigger in their brain goes,

" Oh no..not TINA again. UGH."

I know hard to imagine. I'm kidding.

Seriously, I have a pretty strong personality, and I can see it turning certain people off. So like I said, I just wonder about these things.

Good thing Jesus loves me. And He has the power to change those things about me that need changing. Of course, there are some that won't like me because of the changes. Sigh...can't please everyone I guess.

I'm used to being called a goody-goody. It's usually because I won't go along with some scheme involving complete and reckless drunken-ness. Though, in my past, I have been known to over indulge in that area too. I'm often described as uptight, no fun, an old woman, a party pooper, etc etc. You get the idea.

I just don't see what's so wrong with doing what is RIGHT. I can't handle the pummeling of my conscious. Since becoming a christian, this has been heightened in my personality even more. Though, I often keep my opinions to myself, because people are usually offended (highly) when you question their actions, words, or attitudes, Even if it is inappropriate or destructive. Especially if they don't believe in God in the first place. Or people choose to stop talking to me and instead just talk ABOUT me.

But what about a brother or sister in Christ? One who openly admits to "following" the Lord. What then? Well you'd think it'd be easier but it's not. Trust me the human reaction of defensiveness is still there, christian or not. I don't believe in saying hurtful things "in christian love", or spilling someone else's guts as a "prayer request". So it weighs on my mind and I ponder whether or not I should confront them.

Now some may say, it isn't your life Tina butt out, or it's not hurting you so why bother.
But aren't we all of the family? The Body of Christ?

"Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness."-Hebrews 3:12

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather, expose them". -Ephesians 5:11

"So watch yourselves, if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him." -Luke 17:2-4

Yeah easier said than done....even to a fellow brother or sister. But I am commanded by Christ, to reach out ..snatch them from the fire-Jude 23. For He also says, "Whatever you did not do for the least of these, you did not do for me"-Matt 25:45.

So it looks like I must humble myself once again. Pray earnestly for the right words, wait for God's timing, and their open hearts.

Ahhhh

Seeing as I am continually conplaining about not being content. I just thought I'd share the fact that I AM today!!

Worked hard outside doing things I have been putting off for quite a while. I mean, how fun is shoveling out poop? But alas, it still needs to be done, and I finally did it.

I couldn't see anything in my garden for the weeds. Wasn't even aware that I had green beans growing! But now, the weeds are pulled and the rows are covered in straw to try and keep it in better shape for the future.

My hubby called and not only offered to pick up stuff at the grocery store on his way home, he also was kind enough to pick up offerings for supper so I didn't have to cook. What a sweetheart.

So I am physically drained, but on quite an emotional high. Just thought I'd pass on the good news for a change!

The Lord fills my cup til it's overflowing. Thank you Jesus!

Ramblings

So it's been hot as Hades here. Probably there too.

My computer is running very slow. May be the heat. Or that Facebook, which HAS to be from the devil. Heard a girl call it Crackbook. That fits.

Terrible sinus issues. Cold? Allergies? Air conditioner?

Been busy filling up milk jugs with water and freezing them. I put them in the rabbit pens to help keep them cool.

Shoveled out one of the chicken coops. Ok, Joe did. God awful. Most disgusting thing I have ever smelled. Honestly, took my breath away and gagged me.

Kyle jumped off the high dive at swimming lessons today. Wow. I am too scared and he's only 7. Awfully proud of him.

Having Kyle's room redone. Drywall dust everywhere. Power tools everywhere.

Reading 'The Power of a Praying Wife'. Could be life changing. Highly recommend it.

Sigh....getting sleepy. Thanks for catching up with me!

As we get older (I am beginning my middle age years ugh) we often reflect on our past. I often ponder the things I have done and wish I hadn't. Today I want to look back and list things I didn't do and wish I did. Here's a few of mine.

I wish...

1. I would have been a girl scout.
I was always so jealous of the girl scouts in elementary school. Not only were they so popular at cookie sale time, but they looked so adorable when they got to wear their uniforms and sashes all day in class. Besides learning how to crochet a potholder, I would have learned how to properly TeePee a house. Now that I'm older it would be nice to have an "in" with those delicious Do-Si-Dos".

2. I would have gone to camp.
I never sat around the fire and sang "Kumbuya". It's kinda like going to college..for a week...at age 12. You learn new things, you stay up late. You meet new people. You get bug bites in unmentionable places. You form friendships that endure (at least through Jr High) and memories that last forever.

3. I would have kept playing the piano.
Never learned to read music, but somehow managed to play pretty well. Amazing since I am not very good at memorizing, but I did memorize how to play certain songs. I didn't mind practicing so much, but the recitals. Totally different story. Why do music teachers put children through that? Completely tragic really. Life scarring. I was so terrified from being up in front of a crowd that not only did I play "Ragtime" so fast, it sounded like the Chipmunks were playing it, I never touched the piano again. Now that I'm older I long to play for simple enjoyment and my memory is too far gone.

4. I could have been a cheerleader.
My parents thought cheer leading was a big waste of time. Only dumb girls did it. I know that it isn't true, because most of them went on to college and pretty successful adult lives. Which is more than I can say for myself. But mostly I wish I would have been a cheerleader because of the camaraderie that the squad had. Plus it was such a workout, maybe I would have learned appreciation for the slim and slender body I had back then, and worked harder to keep it. Now if I try a cartwheel , I pull a thigh muscle and can't walk for a week.

5. I would have gone to college.
Now obviously the future adult success factor plays a big part of this wish. But also, I would have enjoyed the whole experience. Living away from home, learning (yes I really do love to learn) meeting new and different people. OK, I have been curious as to how exactly a beer bong works, but I promise, it's not the main reason. Either are the super cute older intellectual professors.....

Now I suppose I could go on and on choosing even more minute choices..wishes..whatever. But no need. I am who I am because of the things I did AND didn't do. The cool thing is, though I can't prevent my children from making the same mistakes I have, I can give them opportunities that I didn't have. Even if it is building a toolbox in Boy Scouts, or holding hands with a girl for the first time after campfire songs, or finding out what it's like to live in a dorm (no beer bongs allowed).

Miss any opportunities in your past?

Father's Day

• My father taught me how to play catch and not to be afraid of the ball.
• My father taught me how to bait a hook.
• My father taught me that no matter what men come in or out of my life, none will ever take his place in my heart.
• My father taught me that even though your team may never go to the championship, you can still love the game, and there is always hope for next year.
• My father taught me that little boys really do always love their mommies..even when they are all grown up.
• My father taught me that a tease, with a smile and a wink is all in fun.
• My father taught me that beer and ice cream are NOT a good mix.
• My father taught me that you are never too old to have dreams.
• My father taught me that no matter the harsh words that have been spilled, you still cry when a parent is lost.
• My father taught me that BBQ sauce just doesn't taste right without beer.
• My father taught me that his lap is the safest place to curl up.
• My father taught me always to have access to the window button on a car trip.
• My father taught me that there is nothing like a loyal friend.
• My father taught me that I will always be his little girl.

Happy Father's Day to all the father's out there. I thank my Heavenly Father for his love, mercy and providing hand.

What has your father taught you?

Dirt

Dirt...can be ....dirty.

As if that isn't enough like Rob Bell in his NOOMA series..

Dirt can be painful, stuck in little cracks and crevices. It can be huge chunks of mud, or a fine mist of silt scattered everywhere. It can be old dirt or new dirt. Whatever kind of dirt it is, it's good when it's gone!

Before you give up on me and think I've fallen off my rocker, I can explain.

I am working in a new ministry at my church called Celebrate Recovery. Yes a recovery group.

It's not your typical, "Hi my name is Rocky and I am an alcoholic" recovery.

It encompasses all of life's hurts, hangups and habits and is based on the 8 Beatitudes Jesus addressed on the Sermon on the Mount. Including, but not exclusively for Alcohol.

For the last 2 months the 5 other leaders and myself have actually been going through the program ourselves. We each are living in (semi) victory over one thing or another. We are learning how to deal with OUR past hurts and our current struggles, so we can be prepared to lead others through when the program begins in August.

The Principle (beatitude) we are at right now is the purpose of this post. We are taking an exhaustive Personal Inventory. Looking back as far as we can remember and listing who has hurt us, the specific ways they hurt our lives. As painful as that can be at times, it is no where near the next step in the process.

Listing who WE have hurt and how. OUCH. DIRT. LOTS OF IT.

How humbling it is to reach way back, into every corner of my mind, dragging out all the dirt. Facing, often for the first time truthfully, the pain we have caused others, and often ourselves, by our decisions and actions. It sucks, having to admit who you are jealous of. Who you are holding a grudge against, or would like to seek revenge on. We may all be Christians but we are humans. Fallen ones for sure.

Some people like to accuse Christians of acting "perfect"," hypocritical", or "holier than thou", which some may be..like I said, the church is full of nothing but fallen human beings, we're all sinners. But this group (and honestly most of my church family) has dirt..LOTS of dirty, sticky garbage. We have each done some things that would make criminal blush.

The difference is, we are opening up about it, cleaning house so to speak. God is taking each of us room by room in our hearts and minds and cleaning it out from top to bottom.

And just like anytime you do that thorough of a cleaning, you find dirt.

Junk.

And it's all on the front lawn for everyone to see.

BUT Jesus is standing right there beside us. Arm around our shoulder. Telling us, " OK, it's out on the curb, I'll take it away, turn around. Leave it."

So I am dirty, dusty, sweaty and at times, ashamed. But this house cleaning partner of mine, is just as dirty. He has MY dirt all over him, and He's grinning from ear to ear, running back into the house and saying, "All right! Come on! We've got 42 more rooms to go through!"

Ugh, I hope I can keep up. I've never seen someone like to clean so much......

(for more information about Celebrate Recovery please visit http://www.celebraterecovery.com/)

Ok totally random

I am not really a sports fan. I don't follow it much...OK at all. But I saw an article on Yahoo News (is this the same as getting your news form The Enquirer? Not sure..but that's another topic) about a 16 year old boy who is, I guess, a phenomenal ball player, and is quitting high school to play pro ball.

My first thought is where are this kid's parents? But obviously, they are on the sidelines salivating at the prospect of their son making history...or millions of dollars. You be the judge.

Now I am not going to debate the fact whether this is the right decision or not. I just want to think about...'Back to the Future' style, what we were like at 16. Deep breath... Ready? Cue the Delorian and the bolt of lightning.....

I for one am driving to Osco in my 1982 Chevy Cavalier with a stuck thermostat making the temperature in the driver's seat about 150 degrees.

I am angry at the fact that I can no longer buy packaged butane for my clicker.

But I am glad that Aqua Net is still available to complete my "Wall of Bangs".

I grab some electric blue eye shadow to totally draw attention to my hot pink mascara.

I tap my white canvas tennis shoe which of course leads you eye to my fabulously pegged acid washed jeans.

Whoa...did you see that dude wearing the Z Cavariccis?

His mullet is fine (though I am not sure we called it that then...but you are getting the visual aren't you?) and I dig his earring. Wait...was that his right or left ear?

I watch him as he hops into his bitchin Camero (that ones in honor of you Joe)

Off to Taco Bell I go where after buying lunch with a $10 bill I still have $5 bucks to put in my gas tank. That should be enough to let me cruise the Navy Base all day PLUS buy a pack of smokes.

I eject the 2 Live Crew from the tape deck and slam in Guns N Roses...Welcome to the jungle....

Maybe I can go see Def Leppard sometime. That would be totally rad.

My backseat is littered with old fast food wrappers, and notes from my BFFs written during AP English and my very worn copy of Judy Blume's 'Forever' that is so the true life guidebook to sex, and relationships.

The fact is, I should probably weigh about 600 pounds due to the enormous quantity of french fries and chocolate frosty that I eat everyday for lunch, courtesy of the school cafeteria.

I make plans to sneak out and roll my car quietly down the hill, to go hang out with my friends, in a hotel, all night, drinking untold amounts of Boone's Farm "Strawberry Hill" and Mad Dog 20/20. ("Friends being a relative word-I met them about 2 hours ago and they all happen to be much older and very much the opposite sex)

The next day I let the stoners copy my homework in car maintenance. Wait..shouldn't THEY know more than me about this topic?

Still need to save my money to go get my Prom dress from DEB, which my awful, mean, worst parents in the universe, refuse to buy. I really think this guy is "the one" you know what I mean??

OK I can't stand it anymore. It's awful, and that is more reliving my past than I ever cared to do, and the rest is a blur (probably a good thing). BUT my point is, see our mindset at 16? Are we truly mature enough to make life altering decisions like quitting school to play the national pastime? Now this boy's father seems to think that baseball will help him prepare for life. I guess that too is debatable. Some seem to think jump on it when you are on top and healthy. I can't imagine God opening a door, that if it truly is the best thing for his life, that will only be open for a sliver of time, and then it will be pulled away. Maybe it's just me. Maybe not all 16 year olds are as naive and selfish as I was.

For this young man's sake, I surely hope not.

Provision

Almost a year and 5 months ago my life was in shambles.
I was a christian but....

My checkbook was empty.
My marriage was over.
The man I loved was on the brink of self-destruction and nothing could pull him from the edge.
I was angry.
I was hurt.
My children were upset and confused.
I was embarrassed.
I could not see past the end of the day.
I had no hope.
I was broken.

He heard the cries of my heart. His tears fell while he wiped away mine. He felt my pain. He felt my anger. He understood my insecurity. His hand was working in my life, though I didn't even know it. He was much more patient than I.

Since then, I have still had thoughts of despair. Thoughts that I was doomed. Thoughts that nothing would change. Thoughts of destitution and brokenness. Thoughts of fury and rage. Thoughts that NOTHING I could do would make anything better. The last part was true.
I could do nothing to change my circumstances. Except to get on my knees and beg. And I did.

Jobs have been offered when none were available. Doors have been opened where I once there were deadbolts and chains. Money has appeared where there were negative bank balances. Friends have been made when I thought I had left them all behind. Love is blossoming where there was once hatred and injustice. Light is shining where once there was only darkness.

Some on the outskirts of my life may think it's craziness. They may think I believe in the imaginary. They may see my situation and not see any hope. They look at my bank account and not see anything miraculous. But I do. I see the continual provision. The continual love. The hand of blessing. I FEEL His Spirit. To the outside I may look poor, unappreciated, foolish, and inadequate. But my cup is overflowing. He will not leave my side. He will not give up on me. He will not be defeated. I will be reunited with those I love. I will have peace. I will have joy. I will have hope. I will be picked up. I will be comforted. And I will be delivered.

I am honored to fall to my knees cry out in joy AND in pain. I bow down to worship a King. A Prince of Peace. A Redeemer. A Daddy. A Friend. A Good Shepherd. A Rock. A Lamb. A Savior. He listens, He cares, and He provides.

Psalm 40:1-3 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, about of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.

Happenings

Not too much is happening around old Astoria.

Rain has been coming daily. The coolness of early spring causes me to shut windows at night, though it is well into June.

Kyle is walking around with saucer sized eyes from staring at video games for far longer than I care to admit.

Joe is pulling 13 hour days with the aches and pains that come along with it.

I...well I have been quiet. My mind has been empty it seems. Or at least void of anything fruitful, imaginative or inspiring.

So easily our lives go on auto-pilot. In and out the days come and go without anything marking them memorable.

It actually is refreshing to be alone in my thoughts. Quiet, introspective. I am not always happy with the thoughts I have of myself. But I am taking those thoughts one at a time and looking at them through a magnifying glass, to see their purpose and use. I hope to weed out more meaningless and pointless things that come through my mind. One at a time.

Maybe that in itself helps make a day memorable. Taking captive thoughts that tear down, and transforming them into ones that build up or tossing them out completely. It's tedious work, but well worth it.

Similar to housework. Cleaning the ceiling fan, dusting the end tables, taking out the trash. Not big noticeable improvements, but ones that need to be done, nonetheless. And when it is done..well what a clean house we will have! Until the next window needs to washed..or the next thought enters my mind.

Contentment

Why is it I have such a hard time being content?
Why do I always wish things were "better"?
Why do I wish I was different?

Why can't I just be content with who I am in Christ? Where He has me, and the plans he has for me?

Why am I continually affected by my circumstances? I am a child of God. I am in the palm of His hand and NO ONE can ever pluck me out of it. He says so. So..why can't I just be happy with that?

I just found some old friends on Facebook. One wants to come see me. Why do I start freaking out and back pedaling, worried about what she will think of where I live?

My checkbook is empty. Zero, Nada. Why can't I be thankful that I have a fridge full of food, and a man and boy who loves me in the other room?

This wanting to change myself and not being happy with myself is something I want to change. Change change change. I hate change. Though in this case it would be a good thing. I just wanna be me. Be happy. Laugh again. Be content.

Been a while

Yes I know, I haven't written in a few days. Brain has had nothing floating around in it apparently.
But now....Facebook. Need I say more? Wow.
As someone said to me, it's "Shock and Awe" seeing people I have only seen once in 18 years. And that was at our 10 year reunion. Amazing. As I'm scanning pictures and profiles of old school mates, making comments like, "They really DID get married!" or "Oh my gosh, he looks so different". I feel kinda old, alot of my friends that I graduated with have younger children. They took a different route. Probably went to college or something fun like that.
It's odd though. I am a little nervous getting in touch with some folks. I am not the same person I was age 14-18. Some for the worse, but mostly for the better. My life was a walking time bomb. I was miserable at home. 16 wanting to be 24. Obsessed with men (boys really).
I'd like to think I've matured some. So when you hang with people during that time of your life-and then lose touch. They think of you...like you were back then. They haven't seen what you've been through. Or that you've changed.
But I guess all of us have. (At least I hope so). So as always, I am going to just be me. And let the chips fall where they may. Maybe, I'll even make some new friends in the process.

PS Denise you still have yet to accept me as a friend. What's up with that?? xoxo

My To Do list

I am a list maker.

I don't always get everything done. I don't always stick to it at the grocery store.

Then there is the mental list of things I'd like to do someday. Things I want to do again. Things.

But I have been thinking, do any of the things on my list mean anything?

I mean sure going back to Mexico and laying on the beach will do a lot to help me escape for a while. But that's short lived satisfaction. It would just be a few weeks after being home, that I would feel like I needed another vacation.

Another item on my list is pulling up the carpet in the parlor. It would make my house look a little less like a 1970's Vegas Supper Club. (Yes, it's THAT bad)

I am scanning my list and it is comprised of all very worthwhile things. I don't think any of them are foolish or a waste of time. I am curious why there aren't many things on it helping others. Well OK, there are a few. But why are those the things I keep putting off?

My life is filled with should've , could've, would'ves.....

I should've gone to see my Grandpa when I was in town with his first Great granddaughter. I didn't. He died 4 days later.

I could've gone to college if I was more focused on my future and less on the next guy I was gonna date.

I would've been married 18 years if I'd only been more worried about making it work than looking for a way out.

I don't want to live like that anymore.

I want to do things that make a difference. Now I'm not saying they have to be HUGE things. I don't think it has to be a Missions Trip to the middle of Ghana. Though, someday that would be awesome. I want to do little things. Like go see Martha who is lonely sitting in the nursing home with no family. Like bringing an extra loaf of bread to Hubert when I make it. Like taking some flowers over to the home bound neighbor across the street. Like lifting up a friend when she is down. Like forgiving and loving those in my family who have hurt me. Like drying my child's tears when their heart gets stomped on.

I think I need to work on this more. I guess we all could, then maybe our world would be just a little bit better. There will still be pain and sickness, and poverty. That's the broken life we live in until Jesus comes back. BUT there would be love. More of it. Spreading around like the swine flu. Filling in some of the gaps. How awesome would that be? I think each one of us, whether you are a christian or not could add just one more thing to their to-do list. Imagine what a small gesture could mean to the right person?

Here's a song that's on repeat for me right now. Can't get enough of it, -listen to it...just once.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtIIFJIxdUw

Tomorrow?

What would you do if you lost your spouse? Are you prepared for that ever happening? Is anyone EVER really prepared?

Folks "our age" don't often think about that kind of stuff. That is unless your spouse is sick.
OK, that's not completely accurate. Let me re-phrase...Unless your spouse doesn't take care of himself. OK that's better.

See my husband is diabetic. Which normally..not that huge of a deal. Lots of people have diabetes and live long, prosperous and fulfilling lives. BUT my husband takes horrible care of himself. His blood sugars run 4-5 times what they should be, and then he pops another starburst.

Last week he saw me crying and praying for the Lord not to take him from me yet. Maybe it made a dent. The good news is we went to the Dr today. We have him back on his medications (that he hasn't taken since Jan of '08) and the Dr was super cool. OK I thought he was because he saw my concern and saw what a "fun" patient Joe is.

The other thing that makes me concerned is, he keeps thinking that he has time to "live for the Lord". He really wants to , but like his health, he keeps putting it off, thinking he's got time. What if he doesn't? None of us know our number of days. I could collapse of an aneurysm right after typing this sentence. I could get a cancer diagnosis. I could fall at the stove cooking supper of a sudden heart attack. Any of us could. So why do we put off what we could do today? Especially if today is our last? Looking eternity square in the face.

A lot of people think I am off my rocker because of my faith. Some even harass me, and verbally abuse my beliefs. But that's OK. Because #1 I happen to believe what the Bible says. and #2 even if I am wrong, I took a chance, lived my life trying to love, forgiving, and helping others. I don't do it perfectly, and actually totally botch it sometimes. BUT If I am right...well then there is a Heaven, a loving forgiving and understanding Father, and I am going to be welcomed. Even with all my mistakes, weaknesses, and character flaws. I long for the day to hear, "Welcome home. Well done my good and faithful servant. Let me wipe your tears. Come...see all who have been waiting for you."

So now modern medicine can help my husband function better. I will keep praying for him and the others I truly love to REALLY start living today. Before I lose them...forever.

Answers

My tendency to question has often rubbed people the wrong way. It took a long time in my current job to get passed the label of trouble maker because when management told us we had to do something, I'd ask.."Why?" I wasn't being insubordinate, I just do things better when I understand WHY I am doing them.
Like when you are a kid, "Why Why Why." The answer I hate most, "Because I told you to," or "Because I'm the Mom and I said so." OK but WHY did you say so?
I totally want to be on board with whatever the "right" thing to do is, but if I can't understand the reasoning behind it, well..it's very difficult for me.
There a ton of questions I want to ask Jesus when I get to heaven. Like....

* How did you "escape" the market without anyone seeing where you went? Did you use super powers or something?

* What were you really drawing in the sand when the adulterous woman was about to be stoned?

*Didn't you just want to crack up at the guys tearing a hole in the roof to lower their friend down in front of your face?

*Can I see the chariot of fire that you took Elijah up in?

*What's the funniest joke you ever heard? (OK I guess he created it...)

*Speaking of creation..What were you thinking with the mosquito???

*What is generational sin? Could I have done anything about it?


There are tons more that as I go about my day thinking, I mentally note that I'll find out someday.
Do you have any questions you just wish you knew the answer to? If you could sit and talk with Jesus, what would you ask?

Whoa

God knows me so well. It seems no matter what I am going through He always seems to put something in my path to make me stop and say, "Whoa. That's just what I needed/was going through/was talking about." Today is no different. So below is something that I'd like you to read. This woman is a "professional" so she says it much better than I ever could:

It was the incompetent and the inexperienced being led by the inept -- the day our Sunday School Class worked on the Habitat for Humanity house for an unsuspecting, extremely grateful Vietnamese family. Among the crew were two dentists, an investment banker, a lawyer, an engineer, two pastors, a receptionist, several homemakers and a marriage counselor. It's always good to have a marriage counselor on hand when a home improvement project is taking place.The one-thousand square foot, vinyl siding house had already been framed by a team the week before. Today was sheetrock, or drywall day. The site supervisor's name was TA. That's all the information he gave -- just TA. TA became a Christian one Easter when he reluctantly agreed to go to church with his praying wife.
"I never went to church," he told my husband. "I was a mean man who worked seven days a week. But one Sunday I put on a suit and told my wife, 'I'm going to church with you today, but don't ask me to do it again. This is a onetime deal.' But Jesus saved my soul that day and I've been livin' for Him ever since."
That was TA. A country carpenter who had hammered more nails for Jesus than Noah and his son's put together. He grabbed his clipboard and began.
"Does anyone here know anything about dry wall?" he asked.
Jeff reluctantly raised his hand.
"OK, you'll be a team leader." TA checked the list and moved right along.
"But that was thirty years ago when I was in college," Jeff clarified.
"You'll be fine," TA said as he waved his hand. "Like riding a bike."
I could tell you many stories of the day filled with wacky work and lively laughter laced with caring community, but let me share just one.
Palmer was part of the sheetrock team. Like Rambo, he wielded his screw gun and popped those babies in the sheetrock like a hot knife through butter. Piece of cake. After several hours of neck craning, screw popping, dust in your eyes labor, Palmer took a fifteen minute break.
Re-energized, Rambo picked up his machine gun and once again attacked the ceiling. A lot of forgetting can go on in a fifteen minute break and for some reason the screws forgot how they were supposed to spin out of the gun and magically implant flush with the ceiling.
"That's strange," Palmer thought as he examined the screw protruding one inch from the ceiling.
He moved the gun over a couple of inches and tried again. "Maybe I just need to push harder" he mused. With all the force of a trained counselor, Palmer pressed the gun into the ceiling and pulled the trigger. Once again, the screw hung down one inch from the ceiling.
Like a tennis player who examines his racket after missing an easy lob, or an outfielder who stares at his glove after missing a simple fly ball, Palmer looked at the gun in frustration. "Something is definitely wrong with this gun," the mumbled. "I guess I need to push even harder." Palmer set his jaw, clinched the gun, and firmly pressed the screw gun into the ceiling. "I'm a man. I can do this. I'm going to make this work."
After a third attempt, a frustrated Palmer stared at a neatly placed row of three taunting stalactite screws protruding from the ceiling.
About that time, TA bounced through the room and casually commented to Rambo still holding his gun. "Hey Buddy, you might want to take that gun out of reverse."
A flush of embarrassment rose from the tip of Palmer's dusty shoes to the top of his sandy- blond head. He nonchalantly flipped the switch to forward and proceeded to shoot flush screws efficiently and effectively like nothing had ever happened.
Later, Palmer laughingly said, "Sometimes I'm not the brightest person in the world, but I wonder how many rows of protruding screws I would have shot into that ceiling before I stopped and even considered that the problem might be me?"
OK sisters, stop the cameras. Suddenly I saw myself staring up at those protruding screws with my baffled friend. "What's wrong with her," I complain about a friend who's let me down. "What's wrong with him," I complain about my husband who's not acting according to my plan. "What's wrong with them," I mumble about family members who are not living up to my expectations." In frustration, I continue repeating the same ineffective behavior, never stopping to consider the problem might be me.
Whether it's a string of jobs where you're always treated unfairly, a pileup of relationships that seem to repeatedly end poorly, or a series of marriages with spouses who've let you down...could the problem be...dare I say... you? We push harder. Press more firmly. Repeat the same ineffective behavior again and again.
May I quote TA? "Hey Buddy. It might help if you take it out of reverse."
May I translate TA the way I heard it? "Hey Buddy. You are the problem. You've got life in reverse. Turn and go in the opposite direction."
And you know what? That is the definition of repentance. To turn around and go in the opposite direction.
Palmer could have pushed that screw gun into the ceiling until its nose broke through the sheetrock. He could have forced those babies in -- even hammered them flush. Then he could have slathered a coat of sheetrock mud over the holes and applied a nice coat of paint. On the outside, it might have looked like the screws were properly installed. But the truth would come out eventually. The screw threads would have simply cut a hole in the material and the purpose for which they were created lost. There would be no grip of the screw threads into the drywall. No security in the construction. Just a nicely painted ceiling on the verge of collapse.
Oh friend, when it comes to a life that is not working, we can try harder, push harder, and even pound with emotional hammers to try and make it work. With a fresh coat of pretend-- a smiling face, spit-shined kids, and a well marked Bible, we might look OK -- even downright good. But underneath, the construction remains shaky at best.
But when trying harder is replaced with repentance, shaky is replaced by secure. If life isn't working for you, consult with the project manager -- Jesus Christ. Trying harder is not the answer. Pushing with more force won't get the job done well. Repeating the same ineffective behavior will only leave you frustrated. But relying on the power of the Holy Spirit working in us, God's love flowing through us, and Jesus Christ's redeeming grace surrounding us, well, that is the key to building God's ultimate habitat for all humanity.
Let's Pray Dear Heavenly Father, sometimes I just don't get it. I try harder, but with the same results. I repeat the same ineffective behavior and then wonder why I don't have more victory in my life. Help me to stop trying harder in my own strength, but start depending more on Your power. Show me when I need to turn and go in the opposite direction, and give me the courage to do so.
In Jesus' Name, Amen

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Spoiled Brats

Is your husband a spoiled brat? Mine is. He doesn't even GET how darn lucky he is.
I try to take pretty good care of him. I even buy his favorite things at the grocery store. For me it's like Christmas, when I come in unpacking the groceries, and I say, "Oh look honey, look what else I bought you!" He doesn't seem to get the same joy out of it as I do.
I just wonder if they really appreciate it. I am sure they do, since they notice when their salsa is gone, or there aren't any more All Beef Hot Dogs.
I just got my husband a $200 phone...for free. Using MY upgrade on my cellphone for HIM. I'm really OK that I'm not getting a new phone. To me, it's just a phone. But it just irks me to no end that they are always so well taken care of and don't even realize it.
Is it just me? What special little things do you do for your hubby? Does he notice? (And not just when you don't) Just curious.
I love him so much in spite of the fact that he is clueless. Maybe the fact that he really would be lost without me is enough. HA HA

Stretching

Today is going to be a day of stretching. No not like limbering up before a marathon (as if I would ever do such a ridiculous thing as that). Stretching inside. Stretching my personality, stretching my behavior, stretching my comfort zone.

You see my husband and I are taking 4 little 7 year olds to a fun park. That in itself is amazing because we don't often "go" anywhere. Adding to that I really don't like kids very much. (Now now don't start we can have another post about how terrible that is.)

The thing is the 4 wee ones we are travelling with today are BOYS. Don't get me wrong, I love my son(s) very very much. I have a very good relationship with both of them, and I show them I love them in many ways. It's just that I am not a good "boys mom". It's weird and foreign to me, and goes completely against my own personality. I don't love super heroes. I don't wrestle on the floor. I don't want to play football with them in the yard. I can not play video games to save my life, and I am not thrilled with finding frog parts, rocks, gum, sticks, BBs, or screws in my washing machine after they were forgotten in someone's pocket. I wish I were a more outgoing, tumble in the grass, hey let's go sledding, tag your It kind of mom. It's just so not my nature. Usually I just accept that (even though I feel terribly guilty) and tell them "Ask your Dad to sword fight and karate chop you". But today I am determined to step out of my shell and BE the kind of Mom I long to be.

I am going to ride the go-carts.
I am going to play Laz-R-Tag
I am going to try and not frown with disapproval when they fart and laugh.

Ugh. I'm scared already. So my prayer today is for God to give me the grace and courage to be the kind of mom I so often long to be. One that is laughing, playing and showing their little men how important they are. And letting them be boys, and doing it with them.

The wrong voice

There is a story about a man whose son was very ill. He was possessed by evil spirits. The spirits have tried numerous times to kill the boy. They have thrown him in fire, off a cliff, even tried drowning him. The poor father wanted to save the boy and took him to every doctor he could find in the land. No one could help him, and other townspeople wanted the boy killed due to the danger he presented. Desperate to save his young son's life, he heard of a man healing others. He found the healer walking through the town one day and ran up to him pleading, and explaining his son's condition. He cried, "If you can, please save my son." The healer said , "what do you mean IF I CAN? Anything is possible if you just believe!" Well the father, surely stunned, but left with no other hope for his son replied, "I BELIEVE, please help me with my unbelief!" Jesus then rebuked the unclean spirit and it came out of the boy, who was saved from his terror. (Mark9:23)

I feel like that father at times. I believe. I believe God has the power to make anything happen, but sometimes, I question whether he WILL. FOR ME. Or even how he will.

Satan loves when we do this. When we show just the sliver of unbelief, it opens the door wide for him to shout. He shouts all right.

Lies. Discouragement. Revenge.

Meanwhile, God whispers.

Truth, Encouragement, Peace.

Satan shouts, "“Your broke, look at your bank balance, NOW what are you’ve really done it?
God Whispers, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not reap or stow away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?Matt 6:26

Satan shouts, "They don’t care about you, look how they treat you. You deserve better"
God whispers, "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them was forgotten by God. Indeed the very hairs of your head are numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:6-7

Satan shouts, "You better get them back for what they have done."
God whispers, "I am just: I will pay back trouble to those who trouble you and give relief to you who are troubled"

Satan shouts "See what trying to be good gets you? Some Christian you are…you are never going to change"
God whispers "Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong, for like grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away Psalm 37:1-2 and I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh" Ezek 36:26

Satan shouts "Your life is so screwed up –how you ever going to help others when you can't even help yourself stay on track?
God whispers "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:5-6

I was wounded emotionally pretty badly on Wednesday. I responded by lashing back. Acting childish. Reaching and searching for someway to justify myself. I was listening to the shouts. Yesterday while I was on the brink of despair, God spoke through some wise and loving people in His whispers.

Now I am shouting "I believe! Please help me with my unbelief!" And I am feeling better already.

Don't listen to the shouts. It's so much easier, but really doesn't get you anywhere. Take a moment. Don't respond just yet. Listen hard for the whispers.

Think about this for today

I am in the middle of a "Lord's Lesson". Ever had one? Well it kinda sucks. I know I will be better for it in the long run, but man does it hurt while I am learning it.

So think about this for today: Who or what REALLY pushes your buttons? Not just irks you, but makes you furious. AND how do you react/handle it when it happens.

Until tomorrow...

Where did 7 years go?

Today is my youngest son's birthday. He's 7. Where did the time go?

7 years 9 months ago, I was one of the most miserable people on the planet. It was right after 9/11, but I had other travesties on my mind. I was knocked up. Yes, pregnant, pretty alone, and totally freaked out. What were people going to think? What was I gonna do? What was my dad gonna say?

I walked around pretty much in misery for 9 months. Not a really great time in my life.

Oh...but God is good. He is soo good.

One thing that I keep tucked in close to my heart and will for the rest of my life, is something a lady told me when I was pregnant. I didn't know this woman very well, but as I was down in the office cafeteria, this big black woman came up to me, looked me right in the face, and said, "Tina, God don't make no mistakes." and turned and walked away. God bless her soul she passed away the following May. But boy was she right. My darkest hours have turned into my brightest joys. Thank you Lord, for knowing what I could never even imagine.

What a blessing this little man of mine is. Nothing can bring me joy like he can. He frustrates me to no end at times ( he a "little man" after all) but he is the most loving, kind, gentle spirit I have ever encountered. He is my biggest defender, knowing intuitively when I am hurt.

He tells me he loves me about 20 times a day. For no reason in particular. He has a soft heart for animals, bugs, frogs, rocks...the list goes on and on.

Kyle is gonna be something special someday. He says he wants to be a Pastor. I think it's fitting, but if he changes his mind, I am sure he will still be someone who touches peoples hearts and lives. Just like he has mine.

Happy Birthday Son, I am so thankful I have you.

In Memoriam

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the death of my Grandmother. Janney Allene (Shelby) McDonald.

She was born a poor farmer's daughter.

She had an 8th grade education.

She became a wife and mother way too young.

She was a hard worker and pioneer for equal pay for equal work. In her eye's there was no such thing as "women's work". She took a man's job, and did it better than any man ever could.

All this while raising a family of 4.

She had her own demons, and fought them daily.

She was thin as a rail and tough as nails.

If she didn't offer you a "baloney samwhich" she didn't want you to be there in the first place.

She was most beautiful when she was laughing. I love the way her eyes squinted up.

She didn't get pushed around, and she didn't like it if WE got pushed around. (I won't go into the time she staged a fight between me and a girl who knocked me down)

ALL of us have lived with her at one time or another. Even when she was done raising kids, she was still raising the rest of us.

She liked to putter. Whether in the house, or the yard. Always doing something. Even if it was just ironing her dark jeans.

She didn't always love us the way we wanted to be loved, but she loved us with all her heart.

She never gave up wanting the very best for us all.

Thanks Grandma. God bless you. We miss you. We love you too......

Update

Seems I have been on a roll lately, posting good, funny and hopefully thought provoking stuff.
I am working on an idea right now, so for today, I thought I'd give an update on the farm.

Currently Ivan, also affectionately known as Bitters, is still with us. YEAH! Pesky booger that he is. He isn't very thrilled with me, because I am weaning him, from his ooh so good warm bottle 3 times a day. He now gets milk in the morning, but the rest of the day is trying to learn to eat "Sweet Flake" (a molasses, oat, corn mixture), and alfalfa hay.

Ivan boards with the adult birds. We have currently a hen and cock Bantam (very small but very beautiful), 2 Barred Rock Hens, a Cucomoran Hen, a mutt hen, and White Silkies 2 hens and a cock. Oh and the originals who started it all.. and a hen and cock White Brahma. I have been getting 3-6 eggs per day most days. Which Joe seems to be giving away as fast as he can. I have several folks at church interested in getting eggs from me too. I would still like to get a few more hens, just to up the egg production a bit.

Speaking of chickens, we currently have about 75 baby chicks. Well, they aren't really babies....more adolescents. They are hilarious. And LOUD. Cheep cheep cheep all day long. Our selection of chicks range from Black and White Silkies, Bantams, Black Jersey Giants, Game Hens and we also have about 6 Red Bourbon Turkeys. (Anyone who has heard my farm stories from last year understand how turkeys are NOT my favorites.)

We still have about 10 baby bunnies, that are so adorable, Golden, Silver, and Charcoal colored. Just the sweetest little things. One of the Gold bunnies had an infection and we kept trying to clear it up but it wouldn't go away. I asked Joe to "off her" and put her out of her misery. Next time I pulled up in the drive there she is running free. He didn't have the heart to shoot her. Good news is, her eye is all better..but blind. But she is super sweet and lovable.

One of our rabbits that we recently got as a stray had babies on the wire. We didn't even know she was expecting. Luckily Joe got out there right after she had them. After some frantic switching around of living quarters, we got her in a large pen WITH a nest box, and the babies are doing fine. Exceptionally actually. They are larger than any week old bunnies I have ever seen.

We still have the pigeons. As beautiful as they are, they will probably go to auction soon. We just don't have the room for them, and the large barn like cage they are in, we will need. We have 3 expecting Mama Rabbits, due in about 10 days!!

Hmmm Oh dear. How could I forget the kittens!! The cutest little things you ever did see. We gave away one of the females this weekend. She was a fat little grey puff ball. Kyle had named her Eleanor (Theodore Chipmunk's girlfriend). Then we have Socks (black and white with "socks" on), Chaps (black and white but it looks like he has black chaps on), Camo (tortoise-shell calico. She looks like she is wearing Camo and she is quite the stalking hunter) and Harley (short for Harlequin she is a beautiful tricolored calico and is the one in the picture at the top of the page.) We are keeping Camo and Harley, along with Mom (Kitty). Bandit-our little stray we found in the barn last winter is moving out to the Big Farm to catch mice. He is a Tom and having quite the time trying to kill the baby chicks and kittens.

And of course we have the dogs. Need I say more.

We are having a terrible time with Buffalo Gnats. I have NEVER seen anything more awful. They are worse than mosquitos. And when they bite me, I swell way up. It has been making working out in the yard near impossible. I got bit on the side of my jawbone last night, and I look like I have some inflamed growth. Disgusting. They hurt, and when I say they swarm, I mean they swarm. People are losing their livestock because of them. There isn't much you can do about them, but they seem to hate the smell of vanilla, so I have been dousing myself with my expensive Pure Mexican Vanilla just to cook a few brats. Totally sucks, but apparently they are here every year this time. I just hope they don't stay long.

Joe is painting the barns, and we planted a couple rose bushes yesterday. Along with that we have a blackberry bush, red raspberry, and 2 strawberry plants. It finally dried out enough in between monsoons to get the garden tilled. I am excited but nervous, because I don't have a clue what I am doing. So I am basically just sticking stuff in the ground and then hoping. So far we have Tomatoes, Red Peppers, Jalapenos, Broccoli, Green Beans, Zucchini, Squash, Cucumbers, 2 types of Sweet Corn, Muskmelon(for us northerners it's Cantaloupe), and 2 types of watermelon. So hopefully God and Mother Nature will do alot of the work, because I kill everything. :-)

Well Joe's over tending his dad's animals this week and we are expecting Scooby to have a baby tonight. OH! Delilah had a baby girl. Tiny little thing. I will probably name her Thumbelina. Completely precious.

Great Pete. That's alot of typing about...not so much. But hey, that's my life. Love you all. There is an open invite out for those who would like to come down for a weekend. We'd love to have you....but wait until the gnats are gone..trust me...

Fear

I am scared of everything.

Roller coasters.

Spiders.

Dying in a car wreck.

Making people mad.

Heights.

Losing my loved ones.

Swimming in the ocean.

Eating Turkey Eggs.

OK, that last one probably won't make sense to anyone but my Mother in law. I can't explain it. But fear grips me. I could probably go on and make that list very long, but some of the things I list, you'd really begin to think I had a problem.

Well, I guess I do. I am not sure how or when this terror entered my life or why, but it's here. And I hate it. I don't even limit my fear to myself. I am afraid for other people too. (As if they couldn't handle being afraid on their own). But I think that is a whole other issue-Me feeling responsible for everyone else. But I am digressing.

I have tried to beat it a few times. Like last summer at the County Fair. My fresh faced little adventurer asked ,"Mommy will you ride that big scary twirling cage of death with me?"(I might be paraphrasing there) How could I resist? Well I tried it. I put on my brave face. The Bible says we were not created with a spirit of fear, and He is with us always. So Kyle, Jesus and I climbed onto the ride. I vaguely remember my son's innocent laughter and glee, but it's kind of fuzzy. You see, as we were whizzing over the treetops and the big blue sky with white puffy clouds flew before my eyes, I was screaming, "Lord, Jesus! Please help me, don't let me die. We are gonna die..Oh Jesus." Yeah..... I had visions of a crazy escape convict carney setting up the ride, and forgetting to tighten one of the screws and any moment, my precious child and I were going to be thrown loose and rocketing through the sky landing somewhere in Schuyler County. It's ridiculous.

Maybe my husband has subjected me to too many horror flicks. Not sure. I long for my daughter to travel Europe, study abroad and take advantage of so many opportunities than many of us do not have. But then my mind flashes to "Hostel", Wrong Turn","Taken". Then I say "NO, stay in your safe little environment, don't take a chance." (Not that Kenosha is all that safe either, but at least it's familiar.)

I have been asked to mentor a girl. I was excited for an opportunity to make a difference, but now...I am scared. Scared of getting hurt. Scared of being lied to. Scared of being around people that aren't like me. It's debilitating.

It's stupid.

I feel like there is so much that God wants us to experience in this life. He doesn't want us to sit in the pew where it's safe. He wants us to trust. He wants us to help. He wants us to go out and reach others (even in war-torn Ghana...yikes) I hear people talk of their adventures, and see the sparkle in their eyes, and the huge grin on their face...I want to be like that.

So I may not get the nerve to go on a Zip-Line tour of the Costa Rican forest anytime soon (I know someone who did and I am so jealous). I may not swim with the dolphins at Sea World. I may not scramble that big bumpy egg in my refrigerator tomorrow. But hopefully, if I keep talking about this, praying about it, and trying to conquer it, I can share stories with my grand kids one day, and inspire them.

Hopefully I won't be eaten alive by a colony of spiders in my sleep, or plummet to my death in an elevator, or be chased by a demonic semi truck, or taken captive by cannibal head-shrinking natives of the Amazon...you never know...it could happen.....