Blow up and blow it

Yes, I am an angry person. Where does all this anger come from? I don't know yet, but I think God has me on a journey to find out. Maybe not even a quest to see where it comes from, but more of a marathon in getting it under control.

Remember a few months ago, I wrote about having some very angry feelings toward someone in particular? Well...I sat...I stewed...I rehearsed conversations. I did pray about it, but I am not sure hard enough and I certainly didn't wait for an answer from the Lord.

So a few weeks ago, I was at the boiling point and I blew up. I said all of the things that I had on my mind. Truly in the hopes of getting out in the open, clearing the air, and moving forward.

Yeah well, not sure it quite worked out that way. I pretty much spewed radioactive material over the whole mess, and it disintegrated the relationship there on the spot.

One one hand, I felt much better not having all the turmoil inside. But on the other hand, the hurt that I caused the other person was evident immediately on their face. Anger comes from hurt. I felt cheated, deceived, and let down. Did that give me the right to hurt her?

See that's what the enemy tries to get us to do. He twists things so we feel we have the RIGHT to feel better. We have the RIGHT to speak our minds, and that we don't DESERVE to take that from anybody.

When I reacted in the way I did, I let satan win. He caused a wedge, he broke our united front, and he helped me completely ruin my witness of Christ leading my life.

At the time, I felt justified in my feelings, my words and actions. But as the week progressed, the Holy Spirit convicted me. It wouldn't take any excuse I threw at it either. So I did apologize. A sincere one, not just the pat little make up I gave her at the time.

Will we ever repair the damage? Will she ever forgive me? I don't know. God does. And I have given it to Him for now.

I am just thankful that I learned a lesson, though it was the hard way. Just when I think I've got this God thing down, He lets me know..ha ha..not quite. I am on the road to sanctification. It's a journey, a constant process of killing off the old self (and thoughts and actions) and trying to become more like Christ. I wish I didn't fail as often as I do, but I am so thankful that Jesus is much more patient with me and will continue to guide me, and teach me along the way. Hopefully, I won't blow it as often as I move along.