Spice Girls Remix

Soooo tell me whacha want whatcha really really want...

An interesting post you say? Well I have finally gotten off my duff (actually FaceBook) and am going to try and write something for a change. Whether it's interesting or not..well, that just depends on how boring YOUR life is.

What did you wish to be when you were growing up? How about now? I was driving along thinking about this today. All the things I wanted to be different then and now.
I wished I was pretty.
I wished I were smarter.
I wished I was a pioneer girl,
and then I wanted to be Amish.
I wished I had big boobs.
I wished I was Puerto Rican. I was always envious of their dark skin and silky black hair.
I wished I was crafty and artsy.
I wished I was more popular.
I wished I could sing.
I wish I was a good decision maker.
I wish I was better off financially.
I wish I was a better mother and wife.
I wish I didn't stumble so much.
I wish I was thin again.
I wish I tried harder.

I have always wanted to be something else. Something other than I am/was or maybe ever will be. I did get smarter. I'm no Einstein, but I'm not dumb either. I did get big boobs, but I got a larger waistline to go with it. I will never be able to carry a tune. My point being, I can't ever remember wanting to be ME. There has to be some redeeming qualities or talents in here somewhere. I am a creation of The Lord our God after all, and last I checked, he doesn't make junk. But the more I thought about all this, I came to a startling conclusion. All my life I have tried to be something else whether for other people's approval or my own. In doing this, I realized, I don't even know who ME is anymore.

So that was my thoughtful prayer this morning. For God to help me discover who I really am. The real me. The one He created, and to show me what I was meant for. Maybe that will clear up some disillusionment I have with life. Maybe it will make it even more confusing. I am not sure. But I do know that I am hidden in here somewhere under all these layers of wishes.

Blow up and blow it

Yes, I am an angry person. Where does all this anger come from? I don't know yet, but I think God has me on a journey to find out. Maybe not even a quest to see where it comes from, but more of a marathon in getting it under control.

Remember a few months ago, I wrote about having some very angry feelings toward someone in particular? Well...I sat...I stewed...I rehearsed conversations. I did pray about it, but I am not sure hard enough and I certainly didn't wait for an answer from the Lord.

So a few weeks ago, I was at the boiling point and I blew up. I said all of the things that I had on my mind. Truly in the hopes of getting out in the open, clearing the air, and moving forward.

Yeah well, not sure it quite worked out that way. I pretty much spewed radioactive material over the whole mess, and it disintegrated the relationship there on the spot.

One one hand, I felt much better not having all the turmoil inside. But on the other hand, the hurt that I caused the other person was evident immediately on their face. Anger comes from hurt. I felt cheated, deceived, and let down. Did that give me the right to hurt her?

See that's what the enemy tries to get us to do. He twists things so we feel we have the RIGHT to feel better. We have the RIGHT to speak our minds, and that we don't DESERVE to take that from anybody.

When I reacted in the way I did, I let satan win. He caused a wedge, he broke our united front, and he helped me completely ruin my witness of Christ leading my life.

At the time, I felt justified in my feelings, my words and actions. But as the week progressed, the Holy Spirit convicted me. It wouldn't take any excuse I threw at it either. So I did apologize. A sincere one, not just the pat little make up I gave her at the time.

Will we ever repair the damage? Will she ever forgive me? I don't know. God does. And I have given it to Him for now.

I am just thankful that I learned a lesson, though it was the hard way. Just when I think I've got this God thing down, He lets me know..ha ha..not quite. I am on the road to sanctification. It's a journey, a constant process of killing off the old self (and thoughts and actions) and trying to become more like Christ. I wish I didn't fail as often as I do, but I am so thankful that Jesus is much more patient with me and will continue to guide me, and teach me along the way. Hopefully, I won't blow it as often as I move along.

Need the Bat phone

Ever wish you could just pick up the phone and get the answer you need? Like in the old days when you could call Time and Temp? Or the Operator? Well I need a special line. A Bat Phone if you will, to make calls to the Commissioner. God.

There are countless meaningless questions I have, like... explain mosquitos to me.

But sometimes I really want answers to tough questions. Like where He stands on certain things. Or where He would want ME to stand on things.

For example. Let's say your sister is gay. OK. You love your sister, but you know that God's word tells us homosexuality is a sin. You want to support your sister in her "gay rights" to an extent. But to what extent? Where do you draw the line between loving the sinner and hating the sin, and excusing and accepting the sin.

Here's another one. You have a friend that is beginning to walk with the Lord. She's starting to read her Bible, and ask a lot of questions. Truly seeking the truth in her life and looking to you as a spiritual mentor. THEN she tells you she is about to move in with her boyfriend, and hopes their relationship is blessed. Hmmm. Yeah. Living together and not being married, God is not going to pour out blessings. I want her to be happy. I think this guy is great for her. I just think she should wait until they are married. That is if they are truly concerned about God. I wish I had known the Lord before and made different choices. Heck, I wish someone might have tried to steer me in the right direction. (Not that I necessarily would have heeded the advice) So do I talk to her about it?

It comes down to do I care more about what a person thinks or what God thinks. Does God know my heart? (Of course he does) Is he going to understand that I love my sister, even though I grieve for her soul in my heart?

These are a few things that I wish I could call up to Heaven and ask. Please. Just tell me the right way. Ultimately I want to please the Lord. I will have to stand before him one day. But I want to love others that are sinners just like me too. How can we do both? Or can we?

Where has August gone? It's been 2 whole weeks since I last posted. Shame on me.
I have done quite a bit in the last 2 weeks. Been to the cardiologist, where my husband took a stress test. Got good news there so far, no heart issues apparent.
My youngest son has started school, and my older son has gone back home.
Went to a family wedding. It was nice. Haven't been to a wedding in a long time. My husband is 35 years old and it's the first wedding he's ever been to aside from ours...how can that be?
Anyway, last week I started walking. A LOT! It's nice. I guess it was walking my son to school that gave me the bug, but I'm hooked. It's one advantage of living in a very small town I guess. But I have been getting in at least an hour a day which I think is great.
I have organized myself a bit, and created chore lists for Kyle, myself, and a calendar so I can keep track of what is happening around me, and when I need to pay bills. Finding out that's important. Ha Ha.
This need to feel organized and productive...is that my control freak tendencies rearing it's head? Why do I feel the need to be in control all the time?

Been having some great conversations with my son Jacob, about the Lord. He is reading the bible, and asking questions. Couldn't be more proud. Thankfully he has been witness to the Lord giving me..."signs" that He does in fact hear me and when I speak to Him it matters. I think it's awesome to confirm God's reality to him (and it helps me too) Sometimes we just need assurance!

I am currently battling a bladder infection of some sort. Broke down and made a Dr appointment for today. I have been putting it off, but here goes! Hope he doesn't find a bunch of stuff wrong that I need to address. As much as I complain about my husband being a terrible patient, I'm not much better.

Things coming up: House inspection for a mortgage, Joe has surgery on Sep 10th, Celebrate Recovery Ministry opens it's doors to the public on the 17th! I have to go back up north for work near the end of September. Maybe it will be the last for a while (fingers crossed). We really want to throw a party here for our new and old friends for scenic drive (first 2 weekends in October) hoping I can get organized enough to pull it off!

I am going to start journaling (or trying at least) and will hopefully come up with something interesting to write about. It's like I am in elementary school. Seems my brain turned to mush over summer. Thank you to those that check this daily and sorry to disappoint you when I don't write. I will try and do better!

Love to all!!

Alzheimer's, Drugs, or Aliens

I may be suffering from a horrible illness.

Or maybe, I am a pot head. No that can't be.

I must have been abducted by aliens.

That is the only logical explanation for the severe memory loss.

I am going through some old school papers
(my parents have an illness too. It's called keepeverypapersincethekidswereten-itis) and what I have found is amazing to me. It's new and exciting too, because I don't remember half...no... 99% of it.

There are all these D's and F's. I was a good student so why is my name on the paper?

Then there are the hearts and flowers with "Tina loves So and So" Who the heck is that? I don't even recognize the name much less loving this person.

Field Trip slips. To some apparently pretty cool places. Not sure I ever really went there, but the slip says I did.

Did you know I used to be able to write in Spanish pretty well? And I studied Greek Mythology, and I could do Algebra, and I thought Meryl Streep should run for president. Odd.

I wrote many short stories about memorable experiences. Funny. Can't recall any of it.

Then these pink slips about something called After School Detention. What? Never been there. Nor have I ever been in "the secured section of the rotunda making an unauthorized phone call", like that paper states. "

Also found a note that was sent home about a forged phone call excusing me from school. Apparantly I got busted, but don't recall ever setting up that scenario or the bust.

OK, I do remember the 2 suspensions. For smoking and fighting. But other than that, as I read some of this stuff, I don't even know who this person is.

I thought my daughter was making stuff up. Really I thought she had a dream, and then created stories to go along with them, thinking it really happened in her life. Come to find out, some of them did. I have NO recollection of these experiences.

Met up with an old friend on Facebook. She keeps saying..."remember when we..." Nope.

Where have I been for the last 36 years? And what else do I not remember? I am afraid to find out.

So in my morning ritual of Facebook, I come across a post that says, "It's so good to know people who know people. " "I got to do..ABC...yeah me" OK that last part I added. It came from one of those people that have ALWAYS known people who know people. Then I start getting those thoughts. Yes THOSE. Why does SHE always have it so good? Why does SHE always know so and so? I've never been a name dropper. I mean come on with my family heritage? Not like I am a descendant of royalty or anything...


My father is not a famous lawyer, He is The Judge.
My father is not a rock and roll legend, He is The Rock.
My father is not a millionaire, He paves his streets with gold, and has mansions for ALL his children.
My father is not a movie star, He named ALL the stars.
My father is not a heroic fire fighter, He fought the flames of Hell and won!
My father isn't a therapist doling out pills for 90 bucks an hour, He is the Wonderful Counselor.
My father is not a bricklayer, He is the Cornerstone.
My father is not tall, dark and handsome, He is the Truth and the Light.
My father is not a farmer, He is the Good Shepherd.
My father is not a baker, He is the Bread of Life.
My father is not a delivery man, He is The Deliverer.
My father is not a Pastor of some mega-church on TV, He is the High Priest.
My father didn't write me in his will, He wrote my name on His hand.
My Father is the Servant and the Master.
My father is not the president, He is the Prince of Peace.
My Father is the King of Kings. And He is not leaving me his retirement plan when he leaves, He is giving me great treasurebeyond all I can imagine when I come home.

That means I AM A PRINCESS. No longer am I going to think I don't deserve this stuff, because in actuality, I don't deserve a drop of it. But, because my Father IS Love, I get it. I get it all. But the cool thing is, you do too. We can share. So I am gonna drop my Father's name for a change...Do you know Him?

Hi. My name is Tina and I am an...

Is there a gamers anonymous? I need to go to it. I have this tendency to start playing stupid computer games and get addicted. Solitaire...it consumed me once. Bookworm...laid in bed trying to create words in my sleep. Then I found Facebook. Then Farm Town, now FFarklee. It's the lamest, game really. OK not really. It's awesome. But it's dumb. NO it's totally cool. It's a waste of time. Yeah...can't argue with that one.

I am sitting here totally freaking out because my Farkle won't load and I can't play. All I did tonight was count down until I could play again. WHO CARES. Maybe I should pick up my bible. Or pray, or at least go to bed. So I can get up bright and early and see if I can play Farkle.

I need help.