Fear

I am scared of everything.

Roller coasters.

Spiders.

Dying in a car wreck.

Making people mad.

Heights.

Losing my loved ones.

Swimming in the ocean.

Eating Turkey Eggs.

OK, that last one probably won't make sense to anyone but my Mother in law. I can't explain it. But fear grips me. I could probably go on and make that list very long, but some of the things I list, you'd really begin to think I had a problem.

Well, I guess I do. I am not sure how or when this terror entered my life or why, but it's here. And I hate it. I don't even limit my fear to myself. I am afraid for other people too. (As if they couldn't handle being afraid on their own). But I think that is a whole other issue-Me feeling responsible for everyone else. But I am digressing.

I have tried to beat it a few times. Like last summer at the County Fair. My fresh faced little adventurer asked ,"Mommy will you ride that big scary twirling cage of death with me?"(I might be paraphrasing there) How could I resist? Well I tried it. I put on my brave face. The Bible says we were not created with a spirit of fear, and He is with us always. So Kyle, Jesus and I climbed onto the ride. I vaguely remember my son's innocent laughter and glee, but it's kind of fuzzy. You see, as we were whizzing over the treetops and the big blue sky with white puffy clouds flew before my eyes, I was screaming, "Lord, Jesus! Please help me, don't let me die. We are gonna die..Oh Jesus." Yeah..... I had visions of a crazy escape convict carney setting up the ride, and forgetting to tighten one of the screws and any moment, my precious child and I were going to be thrown loose and rocketing through the sky landing somewhere in Schuyler County. It's ridiculous.

Maybe my husband has subjected me to too many horror flicks. Not sure. I long for my daughter to travel Europe, study abroad and take advantage of so many opportunities than many of us do not have. But then my mind flashes to "Hostel", Wrong Turn","Taken". Then I say "NO, stay in your safe little environment, don't take a chance." (Not that Kenosha is all that safe either, but at least it's familiar.)

I have been asked to mentor a girl. I was excited for an opportunity to make a difference, but now...I am scared. Scared of getting hurt. Scared of being lied to. Scared of being around people that aren't like me. It's debilitating.

It's stupid.

I feel like there is so much that God wants us to experience in this life. He doesn't want us to sit in the pew where it's safe. He wants us to trust. He wants us to help. He wants us to go out and reach others (even in war-torn Ghana...yikes) I hear people talk of their adventures, and see the sparkle in their eyes, and the huge grin on their face...I want to be like that.

So I may not get the nerve to go on a Zip-Line tour of the Costa Rican forest anytime soon (I know someone who did and I am so jealous). I may not swim with the dolphins at Sea World. I may not scramble that big bumpy egg in my refrigerator tomorrow. But hopefully, if I keep talking about this, praying about it, and trying to conquer it, I can share stories with my grand kids one day, and inspire them.

Hopefully I won't be eaten alive by a colony of spiders in my sleep, or plummet to my death in an elevator, or be chased by a demonic semi truck, or taken captive by cannibal head-shrinking natives of the Amazon...you never know...it could happen.....